Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Fantasy White House: The monkeys in the basement grow restless


The leaks are real. The entire story is fabricated, but true.

12:53 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

The Press continues to take the bait.

More distractions from Rove.

Continuing with our evil plans.

And delusions.

Let's leak a memo to them!


Did you say, Scott, in the 11:00 a.m. update, how clear of a picture did the President receive of what's happened in London?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Hay, we run the country. We know what's going on. We've got Echelon.

We know who Osama calls, but we don't trace the call to drop bombs on him.

We like to play stupid about what we do and don't know.

We can even interrogate the Irish. Ireland is now the US's 51st State.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

It sure is warm.

I'll say for Rove it is.


You don't know anything more about -- it seems like a pretty fuzzy picture of what's going on.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

It's clear to us. Our plan is unfolding. You are confused.

That was by design.

With chaos, we arrive to solve the problem. Remember Hitler? We studied him.

He was a master.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

That's right. Hitler. He is our leader.

Must obey Hitler.


And I guess it's safe to assume, since you say there's no change in the alert status, there's no indication of anything unusual in the United States, any place you see?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Nope. Not a problem anywhere. But we keep saying there is.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's right. No problem anywhere.

We are blind monkeys.

We live in the dungeon.

No one ever pays attention to us.



Why does Karl Rove still have security clearance and access to classified documents when he has been revealed as a leaker of a secret agent, according to Time magazine's correspondent?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Because we want him to leak more information.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's a good question.

Why does Karl Rove have access to classified information?

I can't look at it.

Can you?




That's not fair!

He leaks and gets rewarded.

Hay, now there's an idea.


Does he have access to security documents?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

DO you think that if we were to start leaking stuff, that maybe we could have an influence on things?

Hmm. . . .

Good idea.

Take a memo.


Did he leak the name of a CIA agent?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]


Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Let's form a pact.

A covenant!

Just like Hitler.

Let us promise to be the inside team.

That bring down the fascists.

Yes, we will be the inside leakers.

We'll be famous.

Just like Deep Throat.


So did the White House, in fact, know about her through this memo, or not?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Yes. We wrote the memo.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We need a theme.

Yes, something that will inspire our cause.

"We're glad we don't suck like morons in the RNC."

"RNC Staff weenies have no clue what betrayal they face."

"Our cause is just, but we are juster."



But you don't deny that attorneys for Rove and others in the White House are speaking about these matters, creating a lot of these questions, right, that you say you can't speak to?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Attorneys are there to create confusion.

They have one goal: To make more money selling more books than Johnny Cochraine.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I like that.

And we'll set up a secret network on the internet.

Something that only a few people will know about.

And we'll use it to attract the RNC faithful.

But we'll convert them to the anti-RNC forces.

Oh, this is going to be great!


Can I ask you something on a different topic?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No. I will only answer questions about Rove, war crimes, and impeachment.

Sure go ahead!

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We are going to be the ones that will break down this house.

Bring down the party.

Save America from these fascists.


Do you feel like you have the votes for John Roberts, for his confirmation today? I realize people are sort of waiting before they make judgment, but do you feel based on your own canvassing, that he's got it in the bag?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We control the senate. We passed the patriot Act. It is unconstitutional.

We can do what we want.

We don't have to care about votes.

If anyone votes against us, they have a problem.

Well, that's the way it used to be before the RNC figured out that we were hanging them out to dry.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

This is our destiny.

Oh, I like it when you say that.

So much like Darth Vader.



So the White House won't count votes at any point?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Why count what doesn't matter?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's right! These guys in the Press Room need help.

It's time for us to start!

Get on the speaker phone.

Call a meeting.

Take a memo.

Send a flash alert.

To everyone.

Tell them, "The basement monkeys are in charge."


Scott, was there discussion prior to today of possibly lowering the terror threat level here in the U.S.?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We talk about changing things to make things unpredictable. It is part of the master plan to spread confusion and chaos.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

"Basement Monkey One, this is Shoe Box, over."

Go ahead Shoe Box.

"We can see them. . ."

What are they doing?

"They're teeth are sharp. They are going after him."

Are they near the donuts?

"Negative, Monkey One. The donuts are safe."

You know what to do.


Is there any full meeting of the NSC planned for today, at any point?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We have many plans. They meet. And they discuss.

Whether they do anything productive is another matter.

"Monkey One, this is Shoe Box. Mission Complete."


[ enter Shoe Box]

You did it.


And on the decision by the Senate last week not to increase the transportation funding for security in the transit lines, do you feel that there's an adequate level of funding to secure American transit lines?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Well, when you make up a threat, it doesn't matter what actually happens.

Besides, if we can scare enough people with these bombings, we can pretty much convince anyone of anything.

As far as "is there enough funding," I wouldn't bet on it. It's been 4 years since 9-11, and we still haven't got much to show for it.

Just think back to Europe in WWII. The war was almost over in 4 years.

This time around, we didn't even mobilize. There's alot that could be done, but we really don't care.

Face it, we're stupid. And we're tyrants. The worst kind: Because we don't know when to give up.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I desire something to with this.

Oh, Monkey One, what dost thou desire?

Me think I would favor some fine wine. Sweet lips are sweeter if they are quenched with the fine wine of mother earth.

Oh, you speak of something to quench your thirst, Monkey One?


The Secretary of Homeland Security stirred some controversy, I think it was last week, when he said that the risks are greater from an airplane than from mass transit. Has the second attack in London made people reconsider that perspective?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

DHS Secretly was hired to stir up controversy.

We reconsider all sorts of things. We change our minds with the winds.

Especially when the polls are down.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Indeed, I am rather famished.

Let us rest.

I see the sun upon your cheek.

It remind me of the time I was in Lebanon.

Do tell.

We had just defended the embassy against a plague of locusts.

From afar we had a major battle. The hills were alive with rumbling tigers.

Tigers in Lebanon?

Yes, and elephants. There were thousands of them.

It must have been a very long time ago.

Oh it was.


But at a time when it's possible that mass transit is being targeted, is it something that you might need to reconsider in terms of where the federal dollars should go?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Money and risks. We put money in the wrong places.

We've got combat troops in Iraq that don't have the right equipment. You think we've got a plan to safeguard some busses?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

In the time when the land was lush, and there was plenty of water.

A time when the seasons were decent.

And skiing? Did you ski, Monkey One?

Indeed, it was fabulous.


Chinese official news is reporting an unnamed North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman as suggesting that if the U.S. were to normalize its relationships with North Korea, then there wouldn't be a need for them to have nuclear weapons program. What do you make of all that?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Who cares about North Korea. Rove is in trouble.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

How were you able to shoot so many elephants?

I looked to my trusted companion, Alawi. He handed me the largest elephant gun I had ever seen.

And . . . ?

With a single shot, down it fell.

How sad.


Does the administration then take this latest piece of information seriously? Or is this the type of stuff that in the past has come in advance of meetings?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Like I said, North Korea is basically a crazy land. They don't have enough food for their people.

Why believe they'll be able to sustain a land attack?

We take it seriously if it creates the illusion of a distraction.

We always know what is going on in advance of meetings. We have Echelon. We spy on you. Why not spy on the world? We even torture the Irish now.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Not at all.

For when we stood upon the grand valley ridge, below us there were acres of the finest land.

There were too many elephants?

Indeed, they needed to be thinned out.

And the winter was rapidly approaching.

So we carved out the elephant, slipped inside, and were safe from the snowstorm.


But Tony Blair today faced questions about the Iraq war continuing to be a reason that these terrorists are citing as targeting their efforts on certain countries, his included. Does the -- is there a concern that perhaps the diplomatic efforts have not succeeded to the point where you can overcome that point of view?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Diplomacy failed the minute we unlawfully invaded Iraq.

There's little hope we can persuade people who are defending themselves against lawless aggressors to put down their arms.

Everything we do just pisses them off.

We only engage in dialog with those who might be able to split their alliance.

But as you can see from the spreading civil war, that really doesn't do much.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We awoke the next morning. Surrounded by snow.

We lit the elephant tusks. Heated some snow.

And within a matter of minutes were quite refreshed.

How extraordinary.

Then as we approached the far hills . . .

There it was.


The grand obelisk.


CNN reports that about two-thirds of British residents believe the bombings are a protest to Britain's support of the U.S. effort in Iraq. Does that concern the President, and has he done anything to reassure Prime Minister Tony Blair?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

The President is concerned about things that are a distraction from Rove. The President doesn't care about the UK, other than it is a pawn in our grand design.

We've got the permission to torture the Irish. MI5 is with us. We're going to go after the British next.

Why do I feel like John Dean right now and want to scream?

As far as "reassuring" Blair, we threatened to cut off funding for GCHQ. That's all the care we really have for him.

Besides, we pay him alot of money to spy on America. We get copies of everything.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Yes, the Obelisk. It shined like a dancing fairy hovering above a fire.

It glittered as if there were thousands of acres of rubies.


Gems stones.

And . . .


But how does the President personally feel about the possibility of China acquiring a big U.S. oil company?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

If the President has some stock options, he doesn't care.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Within a matter of minutes, I assembled our crew and we agreed to divide the shares equally.


Is there any concern that Pakistan is not doing enough to weed out terrorists on their home turf, and that possibly they may need additional resources from our country to help them from exporting terrorist activities, like what happened in London?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We own Pakistan. We've got Echelon pinpointing the communications. We send people where we want.

But if Roves in trouble, we will tell the Pakistanis to back off so that bad stuff will happen.

We have resources and abilities that we don't always use. Sometimes we like to let problems happen so we can arrive to solve the problem.

It's called power.

Will Pakistan actually need more resources? Hay, those guys are living, in come cases, in cardboard huts. They need alot more help than you and I could ever imagine.

We give them a cut of the Opium exports. They use the money to buy US weapons. All the money eventually comes back to Alan Greenspan.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We agreed to split the rubies, then go our separate ways.

Today, those rubies are in the hills of Lebanon, Afghanistan, and Manhattan.

This is sounding weird.

Too late.

Just go with it. There's a point to this.

I hope.


On China's reevaluation of its currency. Was the President at all sort of discouraged by the small step that they took?

I know you said he was encouraged, but it was a little bit of a small step. Does he hope for more? And also, is there any assessment on whether it would narrow the trade gap between the U.S. and China?

Has he offered any call or message to the Chinese leaders?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

China's reevaluation of the currency . . .that falls into the yawn category for now. China has a problem. It's energy consumption is no longer rising. That means they're slowing down.

Trade gaps are irrelevant. The money eventually comes back to the US. The Chinese have to spend those dollars.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That treasure is our beacon.

For when we capture it, we will be famous.

Then our prize will be shared with all.

I think this is out there. Like way out there.


has the President had any comment on Governor Ehrlich being actually sued by the Baltimore Sun because Ehrlich has asked his administration to join him in "no comment" to only two of the Sun's more extremist writers?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

This is a distraction from Rove and the war crimes. We had hoped there would be more confusion here.

It looks like Americans realized our scheme. We had hoped to make the prosecutor out to be the bad guy.

But Americans have rallied to the rule of law. It sure sucks when you have a prosecutor who can rally a nation without uttering a word.

How does he do that?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

At least its the right thing to do.

All the treasure of the world doesn't compare to what we could do for Americans.

I don't care about the treasure. I just want to do the right thing.

For America.

For the Constitution.

Screw the RNC.


Has the President ever asked any of his administration to so boycott American talk radio?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course. We tell those monkeys in the basement to shut off Drudge and Air America all the time.

Get real! How do you think we find out what is going on inside the DNC?

Sure, we tell people to "not take it seriously," but then we ask DoJ attorneys to make a fully report and fax it to Rush.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

So who is with me? All?


Great. Then let's continue.

We need to continue to share our findings with the world.

This fascism must end.

These poodles must be sent back to France for better haircuts.

Oh, do not insult the French!


Are you surprised, perhaps, that a lot of the Democrats have been so reticent to offer criticism, those you might expect to criticize quickly?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Democrats basically have us by the balls. We never know who they're going to convince to defect.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We know more than anyone.

Would they suspect?

Of course, that is why we need to move quickly.

We have everything they could possibly want.



Senate Democratic Policy Committee, lead by Byron Dorgan, along with the Democrats of the House Government Reform Committee, are going to hold a hearing tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. on the leaking of classified information and the damage that it could cause. Do you think that that investigation that they're conducting on -- just Democrats is helpful?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Yes, it will advance the cause of truth.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

He said it, not me.


Which side is he on?

I though we were on the side of justice.

Looks like he's on our side.


What's the latest administration thinking on strengthening the shield law for reporters in the District?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We must shield the leakers from the prosecutors.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I knew it!


Scott, anything on how Karen Hughes is preparing for her confirmation hearing tomorrow, what the President expects from her and her new job, and with respect to the sort of war of ideas piece that you talked about earlier in the context of the anti-terror campaign, how much of a difference can be made by re-crafting the message?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We need better messages. Whether the rest of the world buys our bullshit remains to be seen.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

All this time, and he's starting to do the right thing.


Could you confirm a high-level meeting, security meeting between British and U.S. officials this morning prior to the explosions involving possibly senior officials from the national security?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We discussed the Echelon intercepts. But like the battle of Conventry, we didn't want to let anyone know what we knew.

We want to not tip off the Americans that we monitor everything, even the stuff you wouldn't expect.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We haven't much time.

Draft a memo.

And we can divert their attention from Rove.

We will bring down Rove.

Let us take credit for something.

END 1:21 P.M. EDT

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