Fantasy White House: They saw the light, and it was a mirror of a train
Satire
Fantasy White House isn't just a fantasy. It's your guaranteed "more reliable answer" place on the planet.
The White House lies. We tell the truth: The answers are fabricated.
Basement Chatter intercepts are the fantasy version of what the NSA picks up. But you don't normally hear it. It doesn't actually exist.
Until now.
This special version of Fantasy White House combines some of the voice and IM-traffic.
[Note: All times include a 4-hour offset at receiving station it Atlantic; local DC time: 12:19:20, Recieving station clock broke during intercept. Unable to post times until backup transcript received. Backup transcript is located [ REDACTED ] safe deposit box at hotel. Locksmith enroute. Will take 4 hours to recover]
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
16:19:20 Look what has the number one hit.
OMG! We're famous!
It certainly is a beautiful day in . . .
16:19:49 Thank you, Fred Rodgers!
Scott, you've been lying to us. This isn't a wonderful neighborhood. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]
You're no fun.
16:20:39 Look there are no roses.
Why don't we change the name . . .
Take your pick: Chrysanthemums, Salvia, Santolina and Asters
I like Asters . . .
Later today, the President is going to announce his nomination for the Supreme Court. Can you tell us who it will be? Just a minute, the trolls in the basement are looking it up on the internet. . . next question. We'll come back to that. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]
16:20:54 Couldn't you do something useful like scan CNN.
Oh, like they have news and we aren't the news.
Will wonders never cease to amaze.
You're not amazing to me.
Is it over?
It never was.
16:21:10 This is old from 2003.
Does the President have any words of hope for Rove? I sense it is over. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
16:22:17 There are more recent ones from 2004.
That's more than a year.
Thank you Mr. Einstein!
16:22:36 They don't look that bad.
16:24:12 Cute!
Good distractions from those two . . .
16:24:28 There's nothing on the site about flip flops.
. . . is it a walker?
They're lacrosse sticks.
16:24:47 They're 30 dollars each.
16:25:05 They're from Northwestern.
16:25:09 That is so weird. We're looking at them; and they have a picture of our man on their website. That we're looking at. From underneath where that picture was taken.
16:25:44 They look happy alright.
You're so over yesterday.
When you say, "So over yesterday do you mean . . ."
Shut up.
Just stop!
Oh, John Stewart impressions.
Who's under indictment? This is serious. Most of us. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
I've got wind of something cooking.
Yes, you can use that fragrance.
How long have you known this? Oh, just a couple of minutes . . . after Ari left. I think we need to change the air filters. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Are we really witnessing this?
Yes, you've been pinched.
Cute.
You owe us one for lying all this time. That kind of smarts. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Could you freeze that frame.
Let's put it on the web.
16:25:51 I like the current image.
16:26:00 It's so unlife-like.
16:26:18 Mr. Scarecrow.
16:26:42 Why not move the image to the center instead of the side . . . same on the text version . . .
16:27:27 I've always thought this was redundant: Having a printer friendly version of a text page . . .
16:27:33 We could remove it. Probably be a cash award . . .
We can split the burger.
16:27:37 Check the upper left, number 1 image.
Nice brains.
16:28:08 Here's some scarecrows for ya.
16:28:19 Yummy.
Have you read the Downing Street Memo? Of course, those bloggers sent it to my inbox. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
He needs some help.
Any ideas?
I thought you had one.
What's the big scandal that's going to blow up next? There will be more than one. It will involve many banks, a large helicopter, and a penguin. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
He's nosediving.
16:29:24 Clement is it?
Haven't heard.
Out of that meeting.
16:29:33 Double secret background.
I heard it was someone else.
Who?
Someone else.
Who?
I don't know. Just "not Clement."
16:30:00 Roberts.
Later today, the President is going to announce his nomination for the Supreme Court. Can you tell us who it will be? Oh, that's a surprise. I'm glad you asked. Well, not really. I know who it is: His name is Judge Roberts. We'll have more for you tomorrow. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
So much for honesty.
He's only been on for two years.
That's two more years than Rove . . .
It could be worse.
There could be indictments by the time it's up for a full vote.
16:30:29 How sad, look who lost their mother.
When?
Two days ago.
It's small.
It's a baby!
Look at that dew.
16:30:35 Aww . . . How cute!
16:30:50 I'll pump you up.
16:31:52 Have some juice
Where will the President go after the impeachment? Probably back to Crawford Texas, he'll chop some wood, and practice some J-turns. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
I think it's contagious.
Has Mr. Libby made any statement to the President about how he wants his indictment to be handled? The President has agreed to give pardons to everyone. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
You'd think we could do something . . .
As it end this?
Add a new theme.
Add wild animal logos?
Perhaps. . .
The President said that nobody who is a criminal will be working in his administration. . . does the President still stand by that? We haven't really started working, so how can we stop what we haven't started? |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
There's something missing.
You want to clutter it up with more distractions.
It needs more color.
16:32:03 Something from the batty Brit colour?
16:32:22 There you go. A new paint groove, baby . . . .for the shoe box.
The President is planning a trip to an overseas location; but we haven't been told. Anyway, could you share with us what he'll be reading. I would imagine he'll be reading your question that you print in the paper. |
You want a new lighting director.
I liked their Christmas card.
Seven months ago!
I just like it.
16:35:08 Here's an update.
Human rights watch has released additional reports detailing American abuses in Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib. What is the President doing to end this abuse? He's announced his intention to nominate Judge Roberts. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Track lighting!
Where did that come from?
Full motion boom-cameras!
This is the White House, not a . . .
Does the President still believe in global warming? As a policy or a distraction? Yes. Both. The President has always been feigning concern about issues which distract attention from a war crimes indictments, Rove, or the other brewing scandals. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
You don't like full motion cameras?
I like them on the beach, not in the shoe box.
With a capital T.
Sometimes in the snow.
Get out.
Right here.
Will the guilty admit their crimes? Yes. They plan full confessions. Tears. And great remorse. We've had plenty of time to prepare. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Let this end.
Does the President plan to resign? I don't know. He might. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
What doesn't kill you will make you . . .
Nobody needs to be this strong.
What we need, and what we have.
Listen to me later . . .
I'll be here.
When will President Cheney assume command? If the President resigns. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Ms. Philosopher.
Your holiness the Noble Grouch.
With a capital . . .
Has Vice President Cheney discussed his intention to resign? He hasn't announced any intention to resign. But we've talked about it privately. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Gee!
Everyday, the sharks.
Turn into monsters.
They always are.
24/7
365/12
??
No! 30/31/28/ . . .12
What if it's a leap year. . .
30/31/29 or 28/ . . . 12
What will happen to the President's clothes? He'll have to turn those into the White House basement. They have a good laundry. But he'll be keeping the small little shampoo bottles and the robe that has a big W on it. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Slowly move the dial.
It took me many years to learn that.
As with all things.
Does the President have a specific image he wants to leave with the American people as he is boarding the Helicopter? We've talked about that. The President plans to give a thumbs up sign, and then salute the Marines. He'll hand his dog to his wife and they'll board hand in hand. He will turn, and then waive once. We've specifically discussed the "not holding fingers out in a peace sign" as that would tend to antagonize the troops in Iraq. NO need to rub it in their noses. Anymore than he already has. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
For some expertise comes naturally.
For others, a lifetime of struggle will not . . .
When do you anticipate the President will be releasing his memoirs? There's a negotiation process underway with a to be named publisher. It's a 7-figure dollar amount. But we don't expect the book sales to reach that of Harry Potter. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
He's sweating alot.
How's the temperature?
Let's get the overhead fan going.
Is the President planning a speech about it? He's working with us on what he'll be saying. This will be the second time that a sitting President has been both elected and then resigned. He wants to make it better than simply talking about his dog. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
It's not the room.
It's Rove.
The Rove Stove!
Photoshop coming up.
He's toast.
Washington seems to be a bit somber lately. Any word on the investigations from 9-11 and the other scandals in the intelligence community? The President is willing to make a complete confession about his knowledge and role in the coverups. The CIA wasn't to blame. He didn't listen. The President has encouraged the Congressional leadership to shelve the reorganization plans for the DoJ, CIA, and Departments of Homeland Security. They were crappy plans and just diversions. The only needed changes was a new man in the pilot seat. |
Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]
Please add some tinfoil.
Turkey basting with all the trimmings.
Why did it take so long for the President to resign? Actually, the real question is, "Why did it take the media so long to get a backbone." He would've left a long time ago if you started asking questions. |
That was lovely.
Hay, at least it's reliable.
They found an actual copy of the memos.
So it's for real?
Everything is real.
NewsFlash: President announces intention to resign to distract attention from Rove.
Satire
posted by Constant @ 2:00 PM
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