Fantasy Air Force One: Truth so blunt it's will hit your landing gear

Satire

Wondering what it is like to ride on Air Force One without an airsick bag? Here are true answers to somewhat real questions at the latest gaggle.

Today's Fantasy Air Force One gaggle offers you the made up answers to real questions at the 14 July 2005 airborne gaggle.

This may be more reliable than what you're getting from Air Force One. But don't trust us, judge for yourself.

11:55 A.M. EDT

Aboard Fantasy Air Force One, Circling somewhere in the Northern Hemisphere, Planet: UNDISCLOSED

MR. McCLELLAN: During today's questions and remarks, I will give you the first thought that comes to mind.

First specific questions. Then rapid fire topics.

Go!

Question

Will Karl come back and talk to us at the event?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Karl doesn't like to play with you.


Question

Q Why not?

MR. McCLELLAN: I just don't -- there's no plans for him to do that.

Q How long is he going to stay on the staff?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Depends on whether they take him out on a stretcher or in handcuffs. If there's a plea bargain, he could get pardoned and be back the next day.

But if he goes nuts and the Secret Service say he's too much of a threat to the building, well we might not see Karl for a very long time.

It depends on how closely Karl and Cheney are in this whole mess. If they yank his security clearance, he may be getting a tent across the street where Conyers had that Downing Street Memo demonstration.

Nice video. Karl will probably want to borrow Conyers podium.


Question

Does the President believe it's appropriate for the RNC to continue to weigh in on this matter?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course not, but what can the President do? He's only the President. He's not a blogger.


Question

What about the RNC, though, Scott?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Like I said, the RNC is basically waking up to reality and we're trying to suppress it. The RNC may be on their own for a while here.


Question

Did the President get his news yesterday about Justice Rehnquist health from media reports?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No, he got it off the internet.


Question

So why is it acceptable for him to base his information about the Chief Justice's health on news reports, but not about an investigation within the West Wing? What's the distinction there?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Hmmm... let me get this straight. You're asking the President to be consistent.

Where have you been for the last 5 years?


Question

Wilson was on the shows today. He basically said there was a massive cover-up being conducted by the White House, and that Rove should be fired. What do you say to Wilson?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

It depends on how we can spin the facts.

We're traitors. We didn't participate in an organized effort. This was a very disorganized organized-effort.

Rather, it was orchestrated. Everyone was involved.

Even the White House pets have a role. . .

Question

. . have, as in . . .



McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

. . . it's ongoing.

And RawStory commenter knows why Ari Resigned.

I take Joe's statements and then change the words. He's the only one I trust; and he's the only one making sense.

The Wilson's were doing a good job. We are still doing a bad job.

Question

Sensenbrenner.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Goofball! But he sure knows how to piss people off.


Question

Foreign stuff.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No time for that. Off the radar for the day.


Question

Domestic.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No time for that. Off the radar for a while.


Question

Rove.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No time for that. Smack middle in the radar.


Question

Impeachment.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

You don't give up do you?


Question

War crimes

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Yes, they were war crimes, but our goal is to act confused about whether it was the right thing.

Evidence? We made it up.

Wait, what are you talking about: Iraq, Plame, Guantanmo, GITMO, Downing Street Memo, Halliburton . . . crap.


Question

Patriot Act.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We fooled you!


Question

Supreme Court.


McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

About time for a change.


Question

Guantanamo.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We've got photos of detainees dressed up as reporters. . .


Question

Halliburton

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Cheney's retirement.


Question

Federal prison.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

My retirement.


Question

Iraq.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Huh? I want another category.


Question

Iran.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

OK! Alliance with Iraq against US interests. What's your point?


Question

Are you pissed off?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

What's your problem?


Question

How's your bottom lip?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

I use alot of chapstick.


Question

I've noticed your distant stare. Are you hypnotized by reality smacking you in the face?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Huh?


Question

Media.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We don't read the papers. We write them.

Or do you want us to consume what we produce?

Thanks for coming. You're free to leave now. The door is over there. Not that one!

END 12:11 P.M. EDT

Satire