Fantasy White House: Monday Madness from the Basement

Satire

Today's edition of Fantasy White House is brought to you by the freaky people in the White House basement.

The chatter you will hear are the direct NSA intercepts of their audio communications to Scott McClellan. This is their strategy to improve the polls and lead you to victory. Well, a victory garden.

With plenty of road apples.

These are the voices of those who think they're running the country.

We have fooled them.



1:04 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Oh, Gawd. Where's the schedule.

Here!

We've got on one on the 15th that asks the same. . .

Ongoing, continue

Question Scott, the President seemed to raise the bar and add a qualifier today when discussing whether or not anybody would be dismissed . . . That's never been part of the standard before, why is that added now? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] As we reviewed on the 15th, we wanted to see if you would catch us. Darn, you won.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

You're not sure?

Scan all previous answers.

All of them?

No, just the answers in the last week or so. . .

Question Does the President equate the word "leaking" to a crime, as best you know, in his mind? Just the use of the word "leaking," does he see that as a criminal standard? And is the only threshold for firing someone involved being charged with a crime? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Glad you asked that. Traditionally, the President inquiries into these matters well ahead of the problem. But this time, when we hear the word leak, we start to think about Cheney's brain problems. Leaking isn't a crime. It's only a crime if you get caught. We've been caught, but that's why we're going to change the name we call it. As you can see, when everyone is surprised not even the President can anticipate all things.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

He's pleased.

Cheney? The guy's in the last throes.

There will be alot of really nice flowers.

Night shade. Light shade. Morning sickness.

Twins?

I'm staying focused, opportunity.

Ongoing, Continue

Preference, policy

Unknown police.

No policy.

Not matching.

Hard to find.

Question What is his problem? Two years, and he can't call Rove in and find out what the hell is going on? I mean, why is it so difficult to find out the facts? It costs thousands, millions of dollars, two years, it tied up how many lawyers? All he's got to do is call him in. McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Sometimes Rove's hard to find. You call him up, he doesn't show up. Sometimes he does. Sometimes he doesn't. As far as "why so difficult to find the facts," . . . well, . . . facts are always hard to find when they don't agree with you.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Constructive.

Evasive.

Have not checked.

Confidence.

Tie.

Have some pizza. Sit down.

Hi!

Is that pizza tin made of steel?

No, its cheap plastic.

Question Scott, we don't know all the facts, but we know some of the facts. For example, Matt Cooper says he did speak to Karl Rove and Lewis Libby about these issues. So given the fact that you have previously stood at that podium and said these men did not discuss Valerie Plame or a CIA agent's identity in any way, does the White House have a credibility problem? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Of course we do. But the problems are more than credibility. They're deep dark secrets. And with time, you will find out about them. But you have not knocked down enough stone walls. And I have new shorts. They're made of steel.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Express. Repress.

He's talking to us.

Anxious. Cowardly. Nuance.

Neon Glow. Glove.

Good relationship.

You heard that right.

Silence.

Tic, toc. Tic, toc.

I feel like a mindless robot.

Question Scott, the President talked about if a crime were committed. But a year ago and beyond, he also talked about -- he denounced leaks out of this executive branch, other parts of Washington. He said, things are wrong. If it's only a leak, will he take some appropriate action? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] This is a man who takes appropriate action as he defines it, not as what he says or what the law requires. Whether I agree or disagree with that is another matter. But for the moment, all we can do is stand here like mindless robots waiting for time to progress. I can't make time move faster, so let's pretend time is flying by. How's that?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Round and round. Merry go round.

In the middle.

In the saddle. High trails.

Appreciate the question.

Same old question.

Can you see it?

Yes, I'm blind.

Step back from the screen.

Move closer.

It's warm.

Have some blankets.

That's nice.

You're rather accommodating.

As always, to friends like you.

Question . . . would you or the President or Karl Rove disagree with these two nationally syndicated columnists? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We only disagree with those who disagree with us.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Ongoing

Rowing. Boat. Row, row, row your boat.

Bottom of the boat. Bottom of the barrel.

Rotton green apples. Worms. Goat. Rope. Pulling.

Chatter, help.

Question Scott, with apologies for returning to this definitional issue that we seem to be dancing around. McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] You need to grovel more . . . Question . . . how's that? But what I'm having a hard time with is you're telling us that there was nothing new in what the President said today, yet you have said before that the President would terminate somebody or somebody would not work here if they were involved in the issue. McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Spit it out! Say it. What is your question, you buffoon? Question The President seemed to set a higher bar today by saying that there was a -- if they were convicted of a criminal act. Those are not the same thing on their face. And I'm trying to see whether or not you can tell us the standard has changed? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Of course the standard has changed. You found new words in the standard. So that means there's a change. Do you want me to pain that in green marker pen and tape it to your underwear? You an use some of my old underwear for a hat. But I warn you, it has alot of holes in it.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Shortly, short, portly

Exhausted, fatigued

Want some gatorade?

Water!

Ice?

I need a lemon.

Is that allowed?

We can do what we want.

Question But the White House standard is the one the President enunciated today? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] "Enunciated". That's a fine word. Where did you hear that? The President didn't EE-NUN-CEE-EIGHT anything. He kind of drooled when he said it. We have no standards here: We do what we want.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

It's broken.

There are some online deals.

They're fixed.

I can't see.

Close your eyes.

Move forward.

Distinction, distance, stink.

Stop jumping up and down.

You're quiet.

I'm just thinking.

He's looking for an excuse.

Parsing words again.

No, the loopholes seem a little tighter today.

How's your neck?

It's still sore.

Question Scott, back in October 2003, you did assure us that you'd spoken with Scooter Libby, Karl Rove and Elliott Abrams, and they'd all assured you that they weren't involved in any of this. So with regard to Libby and Abrams, do you still stand by that? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] It depends on how you define, "Involved." From their perspective, they didn't actually leak the name. It was the phone that did it. They simply provided the oxygen. But that's God's fault.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Continue, accelerate

Watch out for the door.

Investigate! It's ended.

It's locked.

Don't pull it. Yank it!

Slowly open it faster.

I'm going to be sick.

Question So with regard to that, how concerned is the President and you that, notwithstanding that you don't want to talk about it, that Ken Mehlman and other senior Republicans are all over the airwaves doing just that? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] "Concerned." Is someone who is facing the prospect of imminent war crimes indictments, "concerned"? Of course not, they're terrified. Their world view is collapsing. And for that matter, they're needing some stomach acid. Do you have any extra?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

They finally agreed.

Success! It worked.

Failed?

Does this support my figure?

Not enough.

More.

Refuse.

I'll be glad to cooperate.

Check back. It's over.

They figured it out.

Question Scott, without asking about the content of the conversation, has the President asked Karl Rove to detail any involvement he might have had in any leaks? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Yes, they've had alot of meetings. The President did ask Rove in detail about his involvement. To answer your question: Yes, the President has asked Rove to detail his involvement he actually had in the leaks. And also the involvement he might have had. And the involvement that he may have had. Plus the involuntary that he could have had. Did I miss anything?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Resources, food lines.

Empty shelves. Barrent hotels.

Masking tape, peace tape.

Draw a line, ruler, measured.

No, we need more time.

Question Has the special prosecutor made any request to this White House that prevents the President from speaking to his top aides about any topic? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] The special prosecutor has simply asked everyone to not share any of the goodies. Those are for the holidays. And to those we want to undermine, we feed them incorrect information. To those we like, we feed them bad information as well to confuse them. And to our opponents, we simply do more of what we've been doing. Question . . . and that is . . .? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] . . . which we're still not sure about. But eventually, we'll get it all straight. But don't trust me on that. Cuz, there's a big chance that even though we're making this all up, we'll still not be able to figure it out.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Dedicated, on board.

Rejuvinated, surf board.

Swim suit, wet suit, glacier.

Penguins?

Killer whale. Sharks.

Restful, waiting, exhaustive.

Give me a break. Who else could it be?

Question Has anyone here in the White House been assigned with coordinating with the Republican National Committee and other Republican members of Congress speaking out about this issue, the Karl Rove issue? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Yes. Karl Rove is the one assigned to coordinate with the RNC about Karl Rove's role in this crime. Uh, I mean matter that I can't talk about.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Offense, defense, goalie, referee, whistle.

Player, maker, baker's dozen.

Golf shoes. Iron. Sand box. Sand trap.

Quagmire. Quicksand. Quickstart. Quick jump. Quick quick.

Quirky. Perky.

Huh?

Question Thank you, Scott, the U.S. House of Representatives has passed a resolution, North Korea human rights issue should it be included in the formal agenda at the coming six-party talks? Will the U.S. government raise the issue? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] What does that have to do with this coverup?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Continued, seriously.

Indecisive, lacking substance.

Short. Ball. Playhouse.

Up the hill. Pail of water.

Your old man.

Irrelevant and out of touch.

Question One of the biggest challenges facing the American labor force right now is the outsourcing of jobs, primarily to India. And, yet, today at the podium there was nothing said about protecting American workers and outsourcing jobs in India. Will the President be addressing that specific problem at any time during the Prime Minister's stay? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Let me get this straight. You've got a chance on national television to ask me about an unfolding White House scandal, and you want to talk about jobs. What are you thinking? We aren't paying attention to the economy. We're just thinking about our own jobs. The only "concern" the President is going to show about anyone's job is his own: Namely, what kind of non-sense does Rove need to be fed from Libby to make sure all their stories are matching.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Deliberate, continued.

Indecisive, swaggering, beer belly.

Bad dog. Good spot! Run!

He looks like a dinosaur when he moves. . .

Question Scott, I just wonder -- Scott, on a personal, human note, how are you holding out? Are you enjoying this? (Laughter.) Seriously. And are you consulting with any of your predecessors who have also gone through crises, Mike McCurry -- McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] This isn't a crisis. This is a disaster. As far as my health goes, I don't get much sleep. I don't look forward to seeing any of you. I wish you would just leave my nightmares. I have this image of the entire sorry lot of you growing backbones and turning into these huge dinosaurs, and I turn into this field of grass. There I lie. Before you. Awaiting the feast. Powerless. But I am enjoying the attention. I would just prefer that fewer of the dinosaurs left crap in my meadow.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Respectful.

Gawdy.

Nice tie. Clashes with blackberry.

I like roses.

That is kind of a strange name . . .

Question Thank you. Scott, has the President assigned anyone to help with the trial or trials of Saddam Hussein? If so, who? And does the President want the death penalty for Hussein if he is convicted? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Is he on trial? Last I heard, they were going to let him go due to lack of evidence. Does the President want the death penalty for a guilty person. Crap, if that was the standard for accountability, you might as well get a guillotine and line up the entire White House staff in the rose garden to watch the festival.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

[ Silence ]

END 1:26 P.M. EDT

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