Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Variety's Peter Bart Drenched With Juicy-Juice Again

Peter Bart

I see that you haven't decided which hat to wear.

Let's start with your "producer" resumee. Maybe you could talk about what happened between 1987 and 2006.

Peter, it looks like you think you know alot about things, but you don't. Publicity works this way: Even when it's bad, it's still very good.

That's where your analogy falls down. Guess who's got the tapes right now, and is doing the investigation? That's right, not Jared Paul Stern.

* * *

Let's talk big picture: The FBI and US Attorney were well aware of the taping, whispering lines to Burkle. Kind of like what movie stars when the leak "really important news" to pieces of trash news column writers.

You may think you know alot about writing, Peter, but when it comes to avoiding adverse judgments you lose. As evidence, consider the upshot of your battle with Burkle: He has alot of money, and you are a writer.

What’s life going to be after all this is over? He’s still be rich, and you’ll still be – wait for it – a writer.

* * *

Initially, you may have conceived dreams of grandeur to replace Page Six, but your problems really started the moment you started typing.

What you should have done was realize, "I'm a writer, and I'm not Burkle." Your problem really started after the fateful typing session.

What you should have done was take your copy to the LA Times and offer a straight forward deal: You would turn over you book writing deals to the LA Times and remain silent about your non-sense, provided that the LA Times did not mention that you are just a writer.

The ethics-in-media types would wince at such a suggestion, but the LA Times is a deal maker, Peter. They would understand a proposal like that.

* * *

Instead you set off a media storm by talking about what you say should not be done. Does it really matter if the public knows the specifics of what you are doing? Of course not, you like to give attention to those things you do not want others to pay attention to. Thus, your hypocrisy and failure to comprehend your own industry: Thou shalt not comment on issues which one does not wish to have thrown in ones face.

How you liking this Peter? But not to stop there, rather than admit that Burkle didn't bother coming to talk to you, you made a cardinal error. You started a war with the financial reporting industry, the public, and the rich and powerful.

Have you lost your mind? Last time we checked it is the money-people who pay producers to make films. If they money-class is going to get ripped to shreds by the media types in Variety, why should anyone bother working with your production company? No answer from you. Aren't you stupid.

It is not nice to declare war on the rich and powerful. You started the war by saying you were a writer, but asking us to believe you're a producer. The media only comments on things when they want attention. Thank you for being stupid. You show that you're not very intelligent. The money will always win, especially when their lawyers are actively cooperating with an ongoing FBI investigation.

* * *

Witness the following: You are not being singled out for even more punishment in the blogosphere. Given your "status", the blogosphere rewarded you with a fair comment -- that you're talking about what you want: Attention.

Peter, go get some help. If you move fast enough you might find a lawyer who won't laugh at you too much. What kind of relationship do you have with the rich and powerful? Wow, you're a writer at Variety. Oooohhhh!

Everyone wants to be your friend now, Peter which isn't really want you are sure you want. But why be specific, when you wish you had important friends.

How do you like writing a column about things you would have us believe are "worthless"? Ha! There, you expose your hypocrisy.

I trust you will not learn your lesson from all this. Life is like a movie set, Peter. In the end, everyone ends up saying, "Crap, another two months of my life wasted, and now I have to go on unemployment." In the end, everyone ends up facing the unemployment line. And God knows your writing still sucks.

Why is Variety stupid enough to keep running your column; or are you just upset that Burkle didn't call you when you were trying to pitch a movie script?

Peter, it's impressive to see someone in Hollywood talk about something that they would have us believe "isn't important." Thank you for spending a few minutes focusing on issues which reveal so much about Hollywood and those who produce films: You like the media frenzy, because that is your juice.

Peter, next time stay out of the supermarket. You won’t have so much juice on your face and clothes. You got drenched this time, it’s seeping through your underwear.

- - -


You'll see that the above words are strikingly similar to this which we will forever use as a model when writing up "really juicy-juice" articles. Thanks Peter! At least we know that non-sense can bless the pages of Variety. What would the world be without your insight, wisdom, and good graces?

We are groveling. We're not worthy!

Where's a mop. . .