Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Cheney's Post-Impeachment Wish List

We have received word from the Vice President's advance team what he demands: The list is here Click

Unfortunately, we are unable to meet your requirements.

Post Impeachment Planning

The following are the discussions between the Vice President’s advance team and the prison cell at a black site where the Vice President wants to hide.

We have obtained a copy of the memo.

* * *

Dear Vice Presidential Advance team,

We have received your demands. Unfortunately, there are a few minor problems. This list slightly adjusts your requests. It was the best we could do.

  • A. What you wanted: Vice Presidential DownTime requirements

  • B. The best we could do: Our counter offer.

  • * * *

    Sleeping arrangements:

  • A. You wanted: Queen or King Size Bed (in a connecting room to the parlor)

  • B. Counter-offer: You cell mates have never been near pink-skinned people before. They refuse to change their clothes. Near the sink -- that hole near the entry way -- is a large shovel; you can soften the dirt by digging through the permafrost.

  • * * *

    Civilized living

  • A. You wanted: Desk with chair

  • B. Counter offer: Underneath the wall overhang is a boulder -- try leaning on that. Chen, your personal guard will be unable to release you from your chains. You will have to move quickly.

  • * * *

    Civilized personal hygiene

  • A. You wanted: Private bathroom

  • B. Counter offer: Coffee can, with alot of rust. All of your cell mates will share the same. Your job will be to empty the can into the canal. Some assigned to that task have never been found.

  • * * *


  • A. You wanted: A lights turned on.

  • Counter offer: The nearest generator is 750 miles away. Start walking. Bring extra shocks. The lonely prisoners will massage your legs, and then lick you clean. Are you good with a hatchet? You'll need to be ready. You never know.

  • * * *

    Climate control

  • A. You wanted: Temperature set to 68 degrees

  • B. Counter offer: Depending on the snow, you may be able to see your breath in the air, or it may freeze to your nose. Jump up and down to avoid passing out. If you should feel faint, and your cell mates have not caused too much bodily injury, they are known to drool to seduce their intended love target. Do you enjoy drooling, unshaven women? You will not know the difference: The men and women smell the same here.

  • * * *

    Media support

  • A. You wanted: All Televisions turned to Fox News

  • B. Counter offer: We will play a loop of Britney Spears, sped up to sound like the Chipmunks, with large echoing booms from salt shakers, and native drums. If you get sick, look for the rusty can. At no time will we be able to ensure you will not be sat upon by the large sumo wrestlers -- they are here to entertain the water buffalo and camels.

  • * * *

    Food preparation support

  • A. You wanted: Microwave

  • B. Counter offer: Look at the coffee can. If you raise it high enough, and stand on the backs of your cell mates, you may be able to get above the pile of worms and vermin eating at the foundation. There are not many large bugs here -- must many small ones, and they eat through flesh quickly. Don't forget to include you after shave: That is all you will be able to drink here; and it offends the unwashed ones who have a cloud of stench far worse than what you could imagine. Worse than that. No worse.

  • * * *

    Drink support

  • A. You wanted: Coffee pot in the suite

  • B. Counter offer: Your friend is the coffee can. If you are fortunate, you will be able to rip the flesh from the passing walruses, and then mix it with the dirt. If you mix it right, you can have a tasty treat. But beware of the creatures beneath the bunks: They grumble alot, and are known to knock over beds at night when you are sleeping. That is unless they find you attractive, and play with you -- keeping you awake.

  • * * *

    Things to add to drinks

  • A. You wanted: Container for ice

  • B. Counter offer: Your friend is the shovel, start digging. There have only been a few rats that have been able to eat all the way through the metal. Not to worry, you won't feel a thing. We can give you a walking stick if you find they have eaten your legs off. We can't promise the sticks will hold up -- most of the wood here has been burned to keep away the vultures, picking at the rotting corpses which line the roadway: The chemical spills have been inconvenient.

  • * * *

    Favorite containers

  • A. You wanted bottled water

  • B. Counter offer: Guess. It starts with the letter “C” and ands with “AN”. But if you want more to drink, you are free to ask your cell mates to lift you over the barking dogs; there is a ledge near the rain pipes where we keep rainwater -- it doesn't have many leeches in it, so bring a screen to keep the leaches as pets. They may be you only defense to the hungry tigers. We have a medical center in case you are gouged deeply by the tigers teeth -- most of them are tired of human flesh.

  • * * *

    Picky customer

  • A. You wanted: Diet caffeine free sprite

  • B. Counter offer: You have a long walk to find clean water. There is a small spring not far from the camp. There may or may not be any water in it. The monsoon is late. Above the valley is a large rope bridge, but the natives have been reluctant to repair it after the volcano ripped through the valley, taking all the vegetation with it.

  • * * *

    Paper for personal use

  • A. You wanted a menu of food choices.

  • B. All we can offer you is a stick. Are you left handed? If there are too many problems, please stop using the paper, and we'll see if we can protect you from the fiery hot springs. We cannot guarantee what time the floods will come, so be sure to include a life jacket, and a very thick plastic sheet. It may become your best friend to save you from the sudden explosive mantle -- we haven't lost many in the earthquakes.

  • Aunty Suggested some "improved" living conditions.