Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Fantasy White House: Rove allegedly admits he wants a spanking for committing treason


Monday's edition of Fantasy White House reveals the treason cover up in the White House.

[ If you want today's version, click here for the Fantasy White House: Tuesday, 26 July 2005.]

This edition of Fantasy White House only contains the references to the Rove investigation. The other stuff is just a distraction from the impeachment and war crimes.

Important disclaimer

Remember, this is just satire. Constant's pations does not actually have the ability to intercept this information from the White House.

This is an effort to give you answers that are "more likely true" than the garbage and non-answers we are getting from the White House.

Hay, they have their chance to say what's going on. I'm going to fill in the gaps. If you don't like this, blog about it.

We are only pretending. This is made up. For entertainment purposes only.

12:40 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts, intercepted by NSA [Made up]


It's not treasonous to shred secret files.

No, that's called "complying with evidence preservation requirements."

Yes, it says so right here.

What's that?

My Enron-Anderson guide.

You still have that?

I wrote it.


Do Karl Rove and Scooter Libby still have top secret clearance here, access to classified documents?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Sure. How else do you think we can come up with these evil plans to distract the reporters?

Besides, we still need someone to be able to go into the vaults and destroy all these secret files.

We're still leaking information, being unethical, and dancing the fine line between treason and lawlessness.

But we like to call it politics.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

Is that what this is?


And all this time I thought it was "evil."

No, it's not evil.

It's "politics."

I feel better.

It's just politics. Evil politics.

The best.

The only kind.


On the leak investigation, does President Bush feel that it was appropriate for there to be an 11 or 12-hour time gap from the time that Chief of Staff Andy Card was notified that an investigation was underway to the time that staff here at the White House, including him --

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Sure, it's appropriate to do all sorts of things when you're under indictment by a prosecutor who knows the laws.

Now, it's a separate matter whether the prosecutor is a nice guy. That's irrelevant.

And it really doesn't matter what the President thinks is "appropriate" or not: The real question is whether the laws were followed, whether our checklists were followed, or whether the polls were followed.

We are more concerned bout polls than the laws.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

We don't follow polls.

Not at all.

Not us.

No sireee.

We just do what we want.

When you're in charge, polls don't matter.

That's right.

Got a bad poll? Shred it. Then Karl will make it disappear.

In the Atlantic.


But in the spirit of cooperation, and you had indicted on October 1, 2003, that the reason that the Justice Department was asked, is it okay to wait until the morning, and the answer was that it was okay, but in the spirit of cooperation, why did the notification not go out until 11 or 12 hours later?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We screwed up. There are checklists we're supposed to follow. But our man, Mr. Card, decided it would be best if we operated in a cloud of darkness and ignorance.

It's been rather effective. We're quiet comfortable there.

Well, actually, the real reason there was a 12 hour gap was . . . well, you can shred alot of documents and destroy alot of computer files in 12 hours.

Especially when you can load that stuff into a Gulfstream and drop them in the ocean. There's alot of stuff at the bottom the Atlantic.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Yes. It is comfortable.

I have a pillow.

And blankets.

Some more tea?

Thank you.

This is distressing.

Can you fluff up this pillow.


Yes, Scott, can you assure us that Andrew Card did not speak to either -- or did not tell the President or Karl Rove or Scooter Libby or anybody else about the Justice Department investigation?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

I can't assure you of anything. There are secret meeting that go on that even the President isn't invited to.

Card speaks to alot of people.

It is curious that we have these checklists and procedures we're supposed to follow. But let's hope someone doesn't go digging through our NSC checklists and ask whether certain notification were or were not done.

It gets boring backdating all these reports all the time.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Yes, there are secret meetings in the basement that only the Monkeys are invited too.

Roger that, Monkey One.

"Monkey One, this is shoebox."

Go ahead Shoe box.

"Shall I bring some friends to our secret meeting?"

Only if you promise not to tell George.


"He says you can come, just don't tell you know who. . . "

"Who . . . ?"

"The dude that is going to give them get out of jail free cards."

"Tell him that's me . . ."

"He says he has get out of jail free cards."

OK, he can come. But only for a minute.


I know that none of you are speaking about this because it's an ongoing investigation. Can you explain why Alberto Gonzales would go on TV yesterday and do that, and talk about it?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

It's part of the distraction. More time on Gonzalez, less time on our other distractions that aren't working.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We're working.

I resent being labeled "not working."

I'm not a distraction.

I hope not.

You're a distraction.

You're making me sick.


Yes, thank you. There has been a lot of speculation concerning the meaning of the underlying statute and the grand jury investigation concerning Mr. Rove. The question is, have the legal counsel to the White House or White House staff reviewed the statute in sufficient specificity to determine whether a violation of that statute would, in effect, constitute treason?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course they reviewed it. Yes, we're all traitors.

Yes, everything we're telling you is a lie to avoid charges of treason.

Treason! Treason! Treason!

The White House counsel runs up and down the hallway in his underwear screaming it. He wants to make sure nobody can say, "Nobody said anything about treason."

Why do you think I'm not telling you anything?

We're screwed. And the White House counsel knows it.

We're all going to go to jail. Well, not really. We're going to get pardons for being traitors.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Did someone say "Treason"?

It's that guy who's running up and down the hall in his underwear.

Where did that guy come from?

I think he's a lawyer.

Yes, that explains everything.

END 1:17 P.M. EDT