Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Fantasy White House: Media responsible for state of universe


The truth is out there. And this White House is really "out there."

1:16 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Tiles falling off the Shuttle.



Scott, in the post-launch press conference, NASA officials said that they welcomed the Discovery's return to space and sort of renewing the vigor of the space program, the ultimate goal of which would be to land a crew on Mars.

Would you like to comment on that?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

You want me to say something negative?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

I think they want to know your personal opinion.

It wasn't an attack.

I think it was.

There's a hidden agenda.

No, this is a set-up.

There's more.

It's not going to end.

Special counsel wants to take a trip to Mars for fact finding.

You're weird.


So the President supports a Mars mission?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course, it's alot of work to put anyone on Mars. It's time we have a female be the first person to walk on another heavenly body.

God knows you reporters have walked all over mine.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

Look who's complaining.


And how is the Mars program going?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We haven't launched yet.

We're still practicing getting the rocks correct.

There's a design concept to construct on Mars George Jettson-type aerospace vehicles.

These will be used by the Martian miners to joy ride and engage in scientific research.

Flying cars will be the way of travel: Big open spaces without any roads.

We'll make a fabrication facility on Mars, and then use these flying vehicles to explore the Universe.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I think he's a little too knowledgeable on this topic.

Too many George Jettson cartoons.


On Judge Roberts, you're claiming attorney-client privilege. Do you have any plans to claim any executive privilege with those documents?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

That's actually a red herring.

No one actually works for the President. The only attorney client privilege that really exists is that between the President and his private legal counsel.

They're talking about impeachment, where the President might hide if the Senate Sergeant at Arms shows up to arrest him for war crimes.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

He shouldn't have said that.

Why not?

Because nobody talks about the Sergeant at Arms showing up in the White House.

That's scary stuff.


Do you plan to make any claims for executive privilege for any of those documents? We know you're -- you have some attorney client privilege concerns

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course, we plan to claim all sorts of things.

Yes, we have many concerns that someone might not buy our non-sense and actually expect us to turn something over.

We're in trouble.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I'll say.

Guess who has to make a file plan for all that?


Don't look at me.

I did it last time.

Not my turn.


What's the case law that establishes attorney-client privilege for the work of the Solicitor General's Office?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

[Waving hands]

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

He's doing it again.

I can't hear anything.

More of the Penguin dance.


Seth Waxman, himself, argued that the attorney-client privilege applies to the White House Counsel's Office, under the Clinton administration, and the courts found that that was not the case. So why is there -- the White House Counsel isn't compromising its sort of integrity of the process . . .

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Of course the White House counsel is compromised.

But that doesn't stop them from lying.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Someone wants some consistency.

That's too be expected.


So that doesn't compromise the integrity of the discussions within the White House Counsel's Office, but it does the Solicitor General's Office?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

All the discussions are compromised. So this is nothing out of the ordinary.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

There you go!

Consistency compromised.

Consistently compromised.


Does the solicitor general work for the people or the President?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Legally he works for the people. But we like to pretend he works for the President.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Where is this going?

I have a bad feeling about this.

Turned into Han Solo?

C3PO said that.

It was in that huge ship.

It broke apart.

All that smoke.

Why did they mess up a perfectly good runway?

Oh, you expected them to land on the city?

I suppose your religion is Jedi.

Not officially. I haven't been inducted.


Are you taking classes?



How many documents fall under this category, and what are they?

How many are you holding back, and what do they consist of, exactly?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No documents fall under this category. We shredded them all.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


Problem over.

No need to hide anything.

There's no coverup.

We're being honest about our shredding.

No harm in that.

Openly cooperating.

Being up front.

Just what the Grand Jury wants.


Last week you sort of indicated that there was no recess appointment for Bolton in the works. Now there seems to be a change in the atmosphere.

Can you clear that up? Is he going to get a recess appointment?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

NSA intercepts turned out to be really bad news. We thought we shredded everything, but NSA showed up and said, "Hay you want all these files."

And we looked at each other and said, "We thought we already shredded those files."

Anyway, with respect to Bolton, there's alot of stuff on there that would really cause us some trouble.

So, to avoid handing over the NSA documents which show we are treasonous thieves and war criminals, we're going to make the appointment during the recess.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Appoint Bolton while on vacation.

NSA notes do not see light of day.

Two problems solved.

Conspiracy denied.

What if Congress doesn't go on Recess?

They wouldn't do that.


They wouldn't.



On the Roberts documents again.

Can you understand that people would say that the work he did as an assistant solicitor general, because it was his more recent work, would be a better representation of his more mature legal thinking, as compared to when he was a young staffer working for the Reagan administration, and that it would be, perhaps, a better indication of his views or his qualifications by seeing those documents?

Wouldn't his later work be more relevant than thousands of pages of what he did 25 years ago?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

You're assuming the documents haven't already been shredded.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Such a long question.

And such a short answer.

How fitting.


Back to Roberts and the documents.

Does the White House maintain that what it's doing now related to the DOJ and the Counsel documents is, in effect, expediting the process?

It's not that these documents wouldn't be available to members of Congress in the absence of the White House's assistance?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Expedite! Ha! CIA asked DoJ to look into something on Plame and DoJ was given strict instructions to sit on that.

These documents will never see the light of either day or night. They no longer exist.

And please don't ask the NSA to find them. They're there, along with some really nasty stuff.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Just in case, is there somewhere we can hide this stuff?

If Congress finds out where they are hidden?

Technically, no.

NSA keeps everything. Even copies of the stuff we shred.

One copy is when it is created.

The second copy is as the document goes into the shredder.

We're screwed.

Don't tell Congress.


So where do go from here as far as -- why are you taking so long to visit the world's largest democracy?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

The President doesn't like curry.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I hate that stuff.

It's wonderful.

Goes well with rice.

I like it.

We should go to India to get some.


Scott, on another topic, former President Bill Clinton spoke to the "Today Show" recently and he basically called the CIA leak issue terrible.

And he said, "Rove is a brilliant political strategist and he's proved brilliantly effective at destroying Democrats, personally." He says, "I mean they've gotten away with murder and he's really good at it. He's good at playing psychological head games that damage our side."

What are your comments to that?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Oh, right. The Plame issue. I forgot about that. It's been so long since anyone asked about that.

OK, so we lie. What's the news?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

He didn't answer the question.

That's rare.


Thank you. The President has often said that Islam is a religion of peace.

Does the President plan any new initiatives to encourage American Muslims and those around the world to denounce terrorism and to actively rout out any terrorists who may be in their ranks?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Yes. They involve bottle rockets, and large eating festivals.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's not going to work.

We need something better.

Promises not to be jerks to them.

And admit that we have been up to this point?

I'm for honesty.

I'm for keeping my job.


Has the President detected any positive changes in American Muslim schools or charities?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

They are not complaining as much about the harassment. They're getting used to it.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Will you harass me?

Not in the way that you want.


You've been watching too many . . .

DVD probation for you.


Scott, where do we stand on what the State Department said would be a government-wide search for information about the President of Iran's past, specifically whether or not he was one of the hostage-takers --

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

You know how those government record searches are. Sometimes they take a while. Sometimes they find nothing.

And sometimes those documents lead to war crimes and impeachment.

It's all a big mystery at this point.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Did he do it?

Of course.

What use is it?

To find the documents?

To get an answer.

It's not like the election results will change.

[ Silence ]

I think you're wrong.

The truth might change the results.

The CIA could plan another coup.

If enough people were upset by it . . .

I don't think anyone's upset.

This is a non-issue.


Scott, in the wake of the Valerie Plame incident, on which you will not comment, intelligence officials have indicated there's a growing concern among operatives in the field, a fear that they might be the targets of political manipulation.

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We manipulate the CIA all the time. So this isn't anything new.


And they have indicated that something must be done on the part of the White House to help allay these fears.

And given that these people are in the forefront of the war on terror, isn't it necessary to do something more than simply stonewalling all discussion of the incident in order to restore confidence?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

The war on terror is a stonewall.

It's hard to keep things straight. Which was the original crime, which was a diversion, and which was a stonewall.

It's all meshing together. Like a cess pool.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Business as usual.

More smearing.

More rubbing their nose in it.

What does it feel like to be a scapegoat?

We know.

All too well.


Well, Senator Lautenberg, yesterday in a press conference, indicated that there is probably more concern in the White House about the men in uniform, our operatives in uniform than those who are not in uniform. Is there any justification for that?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

CIA tells us the truth, that we do not hear.

The military can't talk back.

As much.

We value those who blindly obey. We don't like those who think and can see reality.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

They hate us.

The love us.

They really love us.

I think it's more hatred than love.


Scott, just back to the documents, just to clear up one thing. All the documents that are being released now are those that would have been released anyway or are available to the public -- is that correct?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Wait a minute. I know what you're doing.

You're trying to confuse me.

You're trying to make me answer the question about the Plame documents that we shredded; but make me think that the question is about Roberts.


Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

They're getting tricky.

That's not allowed.

The White House press corps trying to deceive the White House.



Did you waive any attorney-client privilege in the documents that are being released?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Stupidly, we shredded the documents before we contact the lawyers.

Then the lawyers told us where to bury the shredding.

So that is quite a privilege to have an attorney that tells you how to hide evidence. We wouldn't be where we are today without those attorneys.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


Good distraction from the question, Scott.

Avoid talking about the waivers.

Focus on something that is irrelevant.

Nobody will notice.

We did.


Recent reports suggest Osama bin Laden has continued to finance his terrorism, including attempts, perhaps successful, to secure nuclear weapons by taking control of the Afghan poppy crop.

Since we invaded Afghanistan to get bin Laden and decapitate al Qaeda, what steps are we taking to stop him from benefiting from the harvest and sale of drugs originating in occupied Afghanistan?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We are selling the crops ourselves and taking the profits to finance the RNC re-election efforts.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Are we going to get our share?

You want a new desk?

I like the one I have.

How about a new microwave.

I would like a bi-level miniature frig.

With a direct water-hook-up with some ice.

You're on the list.

I can't wait.

Put my name at the top.

I'll be last next time.

You started it!

I'm going to just read my book in my quiet, happy space.


Scott, when the Reverend Jesse Jackson admitted that he fathered a child out of wedlock, the President, as you remember, telephoned him after this admission.

And since Karen Stanford, the mother in this case, has just stated, "I was attacked by friends, strangers in the black press without mercy and labeled by them a political stalker, gold digger and opportunist," will the President now telephone Jesse's victim, as he did, Jesse?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

No. She's only one voter. We don't care.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


That's blunt.


I hate that word.

Terse! Terse! Terse!

Now it sounds like a word that has no meaning.

You ruined it.


Scott, first of all, to all those involved with today's launch of the Shuttle Discovery, to the astronauts aboard, and to all of us, isn't this a great country, or not? (Laughter.)

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Just don't look at the tiles that fell off.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


After all this time, you'd think the tiles would stick.

What did they fix?

The wrong tiles.

This is a new problem?

As if the problem were old?


Even if the North Korean nuclear issue is resolved at the six-party talks, on the other hand, North Korean human rights issue is not promoted at all. What would happen to the six-party talks?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We could invite a soda company and call them 7-up-plus party talks.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's stupid!

Get him off.


Scott, can I follow up on that? Kim Jong-il recently suggested that his father may have sought as an ultimate vision for the peninsula a denuclearization.

What does the administration think of Kim Jong-il's comments about what his father's apparent vision might have been?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

He needs new glasses.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Anyone who talks like that needs new glasses.

They need a new translator.

I think he said something else.

Something about a theme park.


Scott, following up on Helen's question, it appears that you are at least considering a recess appointment for John Bolton.

Is there any concern at all that such a move might poison the waters over at the Senate just in time for the Roberts' confirmation process?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

That was kind of the idea. If you're in charge, why not insult them more?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I didn't know the Senate had a moat.

Poison waters.

It's not a moat.

More like a creek.

We could go rafting in it.

Yes, and you can repair the rock damage.


You said a little while ago that there was plenty of information out there during Roberts' 2003 confirmation process to determine his suitability for the bench.

Do you agree or disagree with the Democrats' contention that the bar for the suitability of a nominee is higher for the Supreme Court than it is for the Court of Appeals, even the District of Columbia Circuit?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

Duh. We disagree with the Democrats.

If they say it's high, we say it's low.

If the truth is high, but we say otherwise, then we will yell louder.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

So is the bar higher or not?

I think he's saying that the bar is actually higher . . .

but since the Democrats already picked that answer

We're going to say the opposite.

Then insult those who disagree with our choice.


Okay, let me also get one other opinion from you here. You said that the documents are being released from the Reagan Library and from the National Archives show a staff attorney providing legal analysis in support of then President Reagan's agenda.

Do you believe, even without having seen them, that the memos and other documents from this time as the deputy solicitor general represent his legal analysis in support of government policy, or would they represent potentially his judicial philosophy?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

The writings represent his thinking.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Is that it?


We're approaching the four-year anniversary of 9/11. And right after 9/11 the President said he wanted Osama bin Laden dead or alive.

Do you consider it a failure by either the military or the intelligence that four years later Osama bin Laden is not only on the loose, but is still being tied to terrorist activities extending into Spain, Egypt, Iraq and England?

McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

We're now blaming the media. It's not our responsibility.

You should have found him by now, but you have failed.

American media outlets are the devil!

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

A new scapegoat.

"Monkey One, shall I . . . ?"

You're clear, Shoebox.

Blame the media.

"Media blamed. Returning to base."

Try not to make a mess on the floors.

"Roger. Shoebox, out."

END 1:57 P.M. EDT