Signal 1,000 light years away says, "Get your Anals, Stoolies"

Stoolies aren't the only ones getting a jolt the week of mass tasering at the Republican National Convention. Scientists intercepted strange transmissions from possible alien life forms, compounding the pre-election jitters.

Singals appear to be intelligent-organic-origin, indicating no analcysts were involved in the transmission.

Speculators locked-in aggressive cap-positions betting the signals were insider trading tips, cloaked to avoid SEC detection.

Stoolies assessed the logistics challenge of traveling 1,000 light years with BearLongStool grumbling, "How they'll settle within +3 is beyond me. They must have stuff we never saw on TNG."

Doc, the ever-voice-of-stool interjected:

"Get a grip. There's a 'round tripper' involved. "Assuming 'they' are trying to communicate with anyone, a signal from earth would've been sent before the year 3 A. D. Think! The Romans had no electronic devices 2,000 years ago. "Nobody's got any charts to back up this 'research.' God knows how much Moogan Stonely or CitiBork have riding on this scam. "If it isn't in your Anals, its bunk."

With Anals in hand, DogStoolBreathChick broke wind squealing, "They have to show up on the White House lawn before I lock-in profits. Riding this one into to ground, baby."

Disclaimer: All quotes and trading positions are fictionalized, and this site is not affiliated with CapitalStool, Moogan Stonely, or Citibork. Any positions related to these risky trading positions are "governed" [ha!] by PSLRA. Buy your Anals!