Fantasy White House: Hide the turd under the wrong stones

Satire

The media is taking the bait. They are fighting over the wrong evidence.

Our evil plan is succeeding.

1:35 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Operation Turd Magnet Protection, go!

Distraction, go!

Question Scott, has the United States reached an agreement with China, India, and Australia on limiting greenhouse gases? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We decided not to bother. Global warming is a charade. End of story.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

There, I told you!

Where's the odor eater.

Question Scott, have you had any requests from the Hill yet for income tax returns for nominee John Roberts from the years that he was at the Bush White House? Is that the sort of information that you would be willing to provide should you get those requests? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Those go to the IRS. We plead ignorance. And we will not tell Congress where to get the information. We will be minimally cooperative. We want subpoenas and will not respond to letters or requests. We want the courts to make us act. And then we will fight it.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Question Scott, on the other files, what should members of -- what should the public glean from what's been released so far? What does it tell us about Judge Roberts and his judicial philosophy? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] The public should glean that Judge Roberts has a selective memory on whether he is a member of the Federalist Organization.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Conveniently selective.

I'll say.

Question You're not suggesting that the legal views expressed in a document when he was a young lawyer at the Justice Department do not reflect his own legal views, are you? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] He has flip-flopped and with time he learned more. He grew up. The old memos cast him in an unfavorable light. We want better lighting.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We were all young.

Once.

Some of us were young.

Some still are.

Youth! Youth! Youth!

Wisdom! Wisdom! Wisdom!

Question He was a political appointee. Was he hired because he had contrarian views to the administration? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] That's a good point. Other views are always welcome. Lately, we don't like people who express other views. So we want no evidence suggesting this person is either independent or a loose cannon.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

You can disagree, just don't disagree when you do.

Question Without badgering you, is there any conclusion that you can draw from these files that have been made public? In other words, what can we conclude about his judicial philosophy based on that? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] You can conclude that if there's important information in those files that would have a contrary spin to what we want you to lap up, that you aren't going to look at unless we are compelled by the Supreme Court to turn it over. But right now, given that the same Supreme Court that shut down voting is still there, you can basically rest assured those documents will never see the light of day.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

There!

We're safe.

Nothing will change that.

And the more they fight to get those documents. . .

The less time they spend talking about Rove and war crimes.

Either way, we win.

As always.

Thank you.

You can thank my brilliance.

You're welcome.

Question Has Karl Rove offered to resign, in view of his problems? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Rove knows there are substantive allegations against him for alleged war crimes. He's not going to resign unless it's advantageous to the President. It's too early for that. You haven't found the really big stink that we'll need to solve by throwing Rove overboard. When you find that one, it's going to be a doozie. Let' me give you a hint, it involves offshore accounts, money flowing into Florida and Ohio, and a bunch of oil for food kickbacks that you wouldn't believe.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

They better not come in here.

We don't have enough odor eaters.

Question Does he still have his security clearance? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Yes, Karl needs to have access to the shredder and the vault to hide the war crimes and obstruct Fitzgerald.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Didn't they already ask that?

I thought we made it clear.

We will not stop shredding.

Shredding is just politics.

Question Given the fact that you said that he was speaking on behalf of a client in these documents, and essentially most of his career has been on behalf of clients, whether in private practice or working with the administration, isn't it appropriate for him to answer some questions when he is at the hearings about his personal views on particular cases that he will definitely have to deal with on the Court? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We're mixing up several things. First, although he's working for the White House, his statements are not recognized as being privleged. But our Supreme Court will overturn that. Whether he addresses questions at the hearings is a separate issues. Our goal is to deny you access to the information you need to generate the questions. Then when the hearing is over, we'll deny it. So you lose either way. We will then redraw the line in the sand and say, "you can't look at what we denied existed, the decision has been made." If we need to we'll make up an illusory decision and argue the wrong point. Either way, we're not going to let you look at anything that remotely resembles reality.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

My head hurts.

Question Well, what's wrong with Roberts talking about, commenting on past decisions? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] It is dangerous to talk bout the history. We do not want to have bad things about war crimes brought up. History is dangerous. We are not allowed to compare our conduct to Nazis. We are not like that. The memos and photographs of torture are irrelevant. Do not look to history. There is nothing there. Trust us. If you ignore us, we will yell louder. We have nothing to hide. But don't look.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Must . . .

Not . . .

Read . . .

History . . .

Very good!

Question Will the White House encourage him to answer those questions? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Our goal is to have Roberts spend as much time not talking about war crimes, Rove, and impeachment. The longer he talks about nothing and stonewalls, the less time you have to look at what we're doing: Shredding, denying access to documents, and lying to you.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

If you lie and get caught its a misperception on their part.

If you lie and get away with it its politics.

Question Scott, can I clarify on the tax return issue? Is there not a White House policy that where now you guys don't release the tax returns, or you do instead a one-page summary or something -- But it's the White House policy not to release those to the public? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] The President releases his tax return. I'm not clear why someone else isn't being held to the same standard.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I didn't know that.

Does the President have to file a return?

I thought he didn't have to.

I don't file one.

Why?

I'm an intern.

You don't get paid?

I get paid, just not enough to live off.

Where do you live?

Here.

In the Shoebox?

No, here.

I'm going to be sick.

Question So was there a policy change about releasing those records to the Senate, or to the -- McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Yes, we change policies all the time. Some days we follow them. Most of the time we ignore them. It's a separate issue whether the policy is consistent with the Constitution. It it not. But don't tell that to Fitzgerald. He cannot look.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

That's the last time I look there.

How long have you been living here?

Ever since the first inauguration.

No wonder the air conditioning never seems to be working.

It's on full power and it's not enough.

This place is covered with odor eaters.

Question Also, on -- did you infer the other day that on these memos that are not going to be released because of attorney/client privilege, that the White House didn't review those as part of the vetting process? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Actually, what I said is that there's no friggin way you're going to look at them. We're just making up "privlege" so you can't get the information to really find the answers. Remember, this is all a distraction from Rove. The last thing we want anyone to do is make a real issue out of this, and make our diversion a liability. As to your other point whether we vetted or not: Of course not -- we only had so much time. When you're creating a diversion and hiding reality, you can't expect anyone to look at all the facts. Take WMD. Why should we start looking at facts now?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Facts?

What are those?

Question Isn't that weird that for a position so important, there's so much documentation out there that you all wouldn't even look at? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Was it weird that we didn't look at the WMD facts prior to the unlawful invasion of Iraq? No, that's not weird. It's a war crime. Crazy people commit war crimes. And weird people are the ones who get caught. We're professional criminals. Or, at least we thought so until Fitzgerald figured out there was a meeting on July 10th that alot of people attended, but we denied. We didn't have any other meetings like that. Well, actually we did, but you're not supposed to know about them. Oops.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Why are they so upset that things are getting looked at?

All this time, we haven't looked at anything.

Plans show up from CIA.

We toss them.

Ideas and plans from State.

Toss them.

Photos of torture and war crimes.

Shred those, baby.

Question Thank you. Scott, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld is telling the interim Iraqi government to toughen up, and serving notice on Syria and Iran to stop fostering terrorism in Iraq. Is he doing this on orders from the Commander-in-Chief? And what does the President intend to do about the problem of Syria and Iran? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] See what's happening? Syria and Iran are cooperating: They are behaving as we wanted them to. Don't ask me any questions about the black operation to get the media to report stuff that is not based on reality. The things we say about Syria and Iran are not to be applied to Saudi Arabia. Do not look at the number of people going from Saudi Arabia to Iraq. That is not allowed. Remember, our agenda from PNAC is to invade Syria and Iran, even though we don't have enough troops. We have a time table, even though we don't have enough armor.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Orders from the commander in chief to expand this empire!

You're going to have to expand your odor eater.

You need a sponge.

Sponge Bob.

More.

Sponge Barge.

Question Will the President have a news conference for us before he leaves? And if and when he does have one, could you consider broadening it out to those of us who don't travel, but still have a lot of exposure? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Not my problem. If you're not going to travel, then why should we help you out?

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Why should we help them?

They eat all our snacks.

Keep them out.

We need food.

Question On Social Security, if the President doesn't get any action from the House and Senate this year, doesn't get reform, will he consider rolling Social Security reform into his tax reform package? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Who cares. Social security is a minor problem. That's 40 years from now. The real problem is Medicare. That's a real problem. We have no solution. So we're not going to talk about * bout Medicare.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We'll roll it into whatever shape we want to.

Twisted balloons.

Circus balloons.

Circus dogs.

Flying dogs.

Flying elephants.

Dumbo.

Question Having not seen the documents that you say are protected by attorney-client privilege, how can you determine that attorney-client privilege is important to protect? Because it is a privilege that can be waived, but, presumably, that would need to have some understanding of the information included therein. McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] If we hide something, we can create the illusion that there is something there. Then you spend time on that, and less time on Rove. The issue is war crimes and Rove. The more time you ask about irrelevant issues like "what principle or evidence" we are trying to protect, the more we can create some illusory reality, and distract attention from the evidence and the laws.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Attorney client privlege.

What does that really mean?

Hmm . . . .

Bad stuff and reality doesn't get into court.

And that's a trial?

This isn't a trial.

It's a distraction.

Question You said no White House officials have looked at the solicitor general's papers. Have any administration officials, perhaps people in the Justice Department? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Who do you think originally wrote them? DoJ was there rubber stamping the documents. Roberts was at a Federalist Meeting. Those inputs are from consultants that we hire. They paid us campaign contributions for the "right" to be on our contracting payroll.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Old Gonzalez is going to make sure things get looked into.

67 days.

Nothing done.

Why start now?

Question If they'll answer the question. Yesterday, you suggested that -- you determined -- you made the release of these documents possible after discussions with Senator Specter. Did Senator Specter explicitly request these documents, or were they offered in conversation? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We bartered. We agreed that if we continued to distract attention with a phony problem, in exchange he would agree not to ask any questions about reality. We give a little, we take a little. In this case, we gave nothing, got nothing, and distracted all of you. But it didn't work.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I wasn't distracted.

Were you?

I'm confused.

What's reality?

Is this a diversion or reality?

Question And isn't it true these documents were sort of available by FOIA anyway, the White House didn't actually release anything? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Crap.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

They know.

Where's the shredder.

Question Scott, can I ask a follow up to Jessica's question? You keep using the words, "nobody has seen or reviewed the documents here at the White House." Has anybody at the White House received a report, a briefing on these documents, whether it be verbal or written? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] You're asking about a summary? Those are available. Yes, we've read them. And the contractors who drafted those documents have those records. They're kept on file for 25 years. They're part of a contract deliverable and have to be retained for purposes of subpoenas. But, guess what: Supreme Court isn't going to help you. So, I see nothing that is going to stop us from invading Syria, Iran, or committing more war crimes.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

He's talking in shorter sentences.

Why?

He's trying to make sense.

Question Many pundits and news organizations are focusing attention on John Roberts' links to the Federalist Society. Do you remember any such focus or concerns expressed about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's overt activism on behalf of one of the most controversial groups in America, the ACLU? And do you see a double standard here in the media? And I have a follow-up. McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We all have dirty laundry. Some of the laundry gets washed. Others is supposed to be stinky so you can't ask questions about war crimes, Rove, or the Fitzgerald questions about indicting civilians for advising national leadership to engaged in an unlawful war of aggression.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Double standards for double laundry loads.

Question Since the Senate yesterday voted 98 to nothing to make sure that the Boy Scouts will be able to continue holding camping events on U.S. military bases, the President in his speech to the National Boy Scout Jamboree tonight will also support Senate Majority Leader Frist's Support Our Scouts Act of 2005, won't he? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Boy Scouts are under FBI surveillance. They lied about their membership. And the military bases are not allowed to sponsor them. So we're going to pass legislation that requires Muslim charities to sponsor them; that way the FBI will be able to monitor them while they do their stuff. It's a ruse.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

The Boy Scouts have new exposure.

Great for recruiting.

Our newest weapon in the war of distractions.

Question Yes, back to the taxes. Did the review, which I assume has been completed by IRS, show anything that would cause any concern? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Membership dues in the Federalist Society.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Why didn't he take the standard deduction?

he had too many deductions to itemize.

He's got like $5M dollars.

From writing memos for the white house?

No, we he's a lawyer.

Gonzalez wrote memos and he was a lawyer.

Roberts had real clients, with real money.

You mean he made alot of money outside government?

That's the truth.

Then why do so many people want to work for the government?

Because they think the money is easy.

But why would someone want easy money and be treated like an idiot; when they could make more money on the outside?

In order to get into the revolving door, you have to enter the door.

Question Scott, does the White House want Roberts to be considered in committee in August, or will it wait until September? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] The closer we can get to October 1st, the better. If there's a crunch on the Committees to review the information and still go over the FBI abuses at Guantanamo, all the while DoD appropriations are on the chopping block, that will keep Congress busy and away from the war crimes and photos.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

It's all about the budgeting cycle.

Politics.

Distractions.

War crimes.

Rove.

Impeachment.

Question I'm aware of all of that. I'm wondering, does the White House want the hearings to be in August? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] No, August is too early. We need more time to stretch this out into the new fiscal year. By the time the Roberts hearing settles down in October, it will be then time to start talking about the Christmas break. Then everyone will be busy until Spring. And we'll have a new diversion in the Summer of 2006. It's called Iran and Syria.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

It's amazing anything gets done.

That's not the goal.

The goal is to delay.

That means more time to fill up our space with.

Question Why does the White House look at the income tax records of prospective judges? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Because we're the White House. We do what we want. We don't have to have reasons.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Is there a reason for all this?

Distraction.

Confusion.

Then we show up and solve it.

A big mess, a big solution.

A big reward.

And then what?

Make bigger messes so we can save the world.

For what purpose?

The right to make messes.

Question If a prospective appointee declined to give you permission to see the income tax records, would that be the end of the prospective appointee? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] That certainly would be a good distraction. Because then we'd have to start the whole thing over with a new nominee.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

The end of an appointee is not the end.

He would be called a "confirmed nomination"

More like "Supreme Court Justice Roberts."

It's not the end.

The beginning.

Of the distractions.

And coverup.

Cuz then he'd be there to keep the coverup going.

Question You said the White House wants senators to have all the documents they think are appropriate. If someone thinks that's appropriate, will they get the income tax records? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] More time chasing IRS documents, means less time on Rove and war crimes.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


We decide what is appropriate.

Not them.

Us.

Us! Us! Us!

Question This is a profound discussion of the separation of powers in this dialogue today. To what extent is the administration's position in the context of Judge Roberts consistent with the executive privilege law as it stands, post-U.S. v. Nixon? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] Nixon was impeached. Today, we control everything. And the law doesn't apply to us. We are above the law.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

We

R

Above

The law!

Question The Iraqi Prime Minister called today for a speedy withdrawal of U.S. troops. Was the President surprised that this happened at a time when insurgency shows no signs of abating? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We've known there was a civil war. This is a ruse. It's designed to make the Iraqis feel like they have a democracy; and then to send a signal to the American people that we're being sensitive. It's actually part of the strategic retreat. There are 50,000 known Iraqi insurgents killed, but they have more replacements. That would put the total number of insurgents well over 250,000. And we don't have enough combat troops there to defeat them. We're out numbered. We're cutting bait. And we want the Iraqis to put more pressure on us so we can appear to be responsive to Iraqis, all the while we flaunt our arrogant noses to the press, prosecutors, and the American public. Then we'll call it politics and blame the media. Do you see Rove in any of this? No. That's the idea.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

So who's winning in Iraq?

School kids have new books.

But their schools and roads are getting destroyed.

No they're not.

There are explosives all over the roads.

Where did you hear that?

Oh, my Gawd! You've turned into . . .

the real Scott McLellan.

Question And when General Casey says that substantial pullout will take place next summer or next spring, tell us why this doesn't send a wrong message to the insurgents -- McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We care more about the insurgents than we care about the American public. We sit down and talk with insurgents, but we refuse to listen to Americans.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

Will they talk to me about my raise?

I'd like a new squirt gun.

I need more odor eaters.

We already submitted our list.

Next year.

Is next year's list started?

Question So the President is comfortable with the timetable that General Casey discussed, provided that those various markers are met? Is that accurate? McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up] We have no clue. We're making this up as we go along. Our plan is to divert attention from Rove, invade Syria, and take over Iraq. The troops will be taken out of Iraq and sent into Syria and Iran. As far as "markers go," who knows. If we don't meet them, we'll make up some new story to explain away why things change. We'll lie again in the future. But that's a long way off. Fitzgerald has to be dealt with. And we plan on making this really confusing for everyone. Then we can show up the solution and make everyone happy. We'll be the heroes.

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I feel like a hero.

I feel tired.

My head is really starting to hurt.

Get off my odor eaters!

END 2:07 P.M. EDT