Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Fantasy White House: Katrina is a girl next door?


Today's edition of Fantasy White House is brought to you by the freaky people in the White House basement.

The chatter you will hear are the direct NSA intercepts of their audio communications to Scott McClellan.

Yes, these are the people who are actually running the country.

That is, until Katrina hit. Now, we're not so sure.

12:54 P.M. EDT

Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

I hear they're upset about 9-11.


First I've heard of it.


Scott, the House Democratic leader says that the investigation announced yesterday by the House with Senate Republican leaders is a sham and that she's not going to appoint any Democratic members to it.

  • Do you see that as an impediment to having an investigation?

  • What's the White House reaction?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    We're always up for a white wash. That the Democrats aren't going to play along isn't anything new.

    We control the world and don't care. That is, until reality from New Orleans hit the TV screens.

    There's a difference between an investigation, an audit, and a whitewash. The President is only authorized to audit state and local governments.

    Yes, we plan to blur the lines and investigate ourselves. What's going to stop us, another hurricane? (Laughter)

  • Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

    I can't believe this.

    That doesn't tell me anything. You need to be specific.

    Does this mean if we were in a mark-up session, that this line would have been deleted?

    You're deleted.

    You're fierce.

    I'll say.


    Some of the members who were here today said that the President should appoint like a czar or somebody to oversee the rebuilding and recovery. Does the President intend to do that?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    We like the word Czar. Bush may appoint himself to be Czar.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]]

    Czar Bush.

    I like the sound of that.

    Czar Monkey.

    That's Czar Monkey One, to you.



    But, Scott, let me just ask you, on the investigation front, because a couple of days ago, the President used interesting language by saying, "I'm going to lead an investigation into what went right and what went wrong."

    You said, in fact, that would be some kind of after-action analysis. And now, Republicans are saying they'll have a special committee, which Democrats say that they don't buy into.

  • So can't the President just clear all this up?

  • What kind of investigation does he want, and by whom, and will he support it being done independent of the federal government?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Our actions to date show we have contempt for the Federal System of government. We have an abomination.

    The President's idea of clearing things up is to sweep them under the rug.

    The President wants the same kind of investigation we had after 9-11, and the Downing Street Memo: No records, no accountability, and no negativity.

    The only acceptable investigation is one that the President can guide, influence, and impede.

  • Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    They're actually reminding him what he said.

    As if he can't remember.

    Do you?

    Of course not.

    Why start now?


    To get you on the record, does he, or does he not support an independent review of what went on, what went right and what went wrong -- independent of the government?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    The President supports anything that will distract attention from Iraq, Rove, the Downing Street Memo.

    The investigation could drag on for years, just like the 9-11 Commission. That will be well after the 2008 election. So why rush it?

    The American public can be fooled, just like they were with 9-11. Even we've forgotten about 9-11: Look at our recurring problem with radios and communications.

    Those firemen died in vain on 9-11, and we didn't even bother to learn from their sacrifice: "It's the communication, stupid."

    We don't care. If anyone from the blue collar world complains, we'll send them to Iraq.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    These are really long answers.

    I liked the short pithy comments better.

    I liked it when you were quiet.

    You're rude.


    So the President is open to the idea of somebody to run the disaster relief effort independently of FEMA and the other organizations?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    We've already got organizations other than FEMA doing the work. So to answer your question, by default and inaction we support the idea of someone else taking the ball and slamming it into the window.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


    What's with a window?

    Window treatment, window dressing.

    Salad dressing.

    Salad hat.

    You need one.


    To hide yourself from your embarrassment.


    This congressional investigation isn't going to be very bipartisan if there are no Democrats on it.

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Did you have a question?

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Yes, I have a question.

    He wasn't talking to you.

    I wasn't talking to you.


    On a separate issue, how does the President propose the country will pay for all of this?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    That's actually the same topic.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Here we go again: "How do we pay for this?"

    Do you want to read my blog?

    You have an answer?

    I have a link.

    Is the link an answer?

    The link is to my blog.


    If I can take you back to Terry's question, does the President's vow to lead an investigation into what happened rule out the kind of independent investigation that was launched after 9/11?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    The President will seek answers where he wants to find them.

    If we have too much independence, we'll have too much freedom.

    Freedom is slavery and accountability. That is bad. We do not like that.

    Bad, very bad.

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    "I vow. . . "

    Vow, that's one of those words you use when you're trying to hide.

    You mean veil.

    No, at a wedding, you don't hide. Or lie.

    You make vows.

    Then ignore them.

    Like the constitution.

    Where is this going?

    Are we going somewhere?


    Why does the President believe it is morally justified, why is it the right thing to give some of the richest people on the planet a huge tax cut right now?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Two words: Campaign contributions.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Sign up here.

    Bring out your campaign contributions.


    And there's no way to ask the richest people in America to sacrifice?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Why start?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    I was going to say that.


    Scott, you called the meeting with congressional Republicans today "very constructive."

  • Was yesterday's meeting with bipartisan congressional leaders as constructive?

  • Did Minority Leader Pelosi accurately relay to reporters outside her exchange with the President about FEMA Director Mike Brown?

  • Is the President unaware of shortcomings in New Orleans?

  • And if he's aware of any, can you tell us of any?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    All meetings that the President walks out of are, by definition, constructive.

    Pelosi focuses too much on facts.

    The President is fully aware he doesn't know much.

    As far as "what he knows he doesn't know," you'll have to get Rummy to talk about "unknown, uknowns." That's kind of funny when he says that and you get all spun up about it.

  • Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    How did that reporter get those bullet points in front of his questions?

    What bullet points?

  • These.

    How did you do that?

  • I don't know.

    It just happens?

    Not all the time.


    Did the President agree that it would be a mistake to go ahead and send supplies into the people at the Convention Center because of the security situation? And how much did that add to --

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    We failed to provide the Federal Troops. We didn't federalize the national guard.

    We had to call up active duty troops to augment our reserves.

    In light of the deteriorating security situation, and lack of national guardsmen and guardwomen and . . .

    The security situation was bad. We played stupid. We didn't do anything. We asked the Red Cross to take charge, make a decision, and evaluate the security situation.

    In the end, it all worked out: The President blames the world, and the world accuses each other.

    Do you see the President getting any blame? That's right: He's not accountable. He writes the rules, but then doesn't make sure they're enforced.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Has this President ever made a mistake?




    There were supplies there that could have gone in, but didn't because of the security.

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Your point?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    You've all been silenced into blind obedience.

    I'm not blind.

    I'm not obedient.

    You're bad.

    Not in that way, but you're just bad.


    And can you tell us, does the President plan to do anything to observe the fourth anniversary of the September 11th attacks?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Listen on his iPod to Britney's, "Ooops, I did it again."

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Why are the earphones white?


    iPod earphones: They're always white. Why aren't they other colors?



    Scott, Josh Bolten, when he was asked yesterday, on the call that he gave, about the $150-billion figure that Harry Reid had talked about kind of punted on the question, saying that he didn't want to make a comment on somebody's speculation. Isn't he thinking big enough? I mean, $150 billion -- Judd Gregg has estimated maybe $200 billion. He's a conservative from New Hampshire --

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    That's alot of money. Do you have a checkbook?

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    I hate long questions like this.

    Did you catch that?


    You can't rewind. This is live.

    It is?

    Wake up!


    In regard to the displaced persons who are being dispersed throughout the country, if you are really serious about reconstruction, one of the things you're going to need are people to rebuild.

    And by dispersing people to other areas, they tend not to come back; but if you keep them in the region, that could be your working force for actually rebuilding the city. And isn't that a consideration, to try and set up temporary --

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    The faster we can move things around, the more chaos and confusion we can create.

    Remember the President flying to Omaha on 9-11? It's the same thing.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Who wants to keep a bunch of people in the same room where they can compare notes?

    This isn't a room.

    It's a country.

    This is a room.

    No, "this".

    How did you get those quotation marks around that word?

  • I don't know.



    Scott, the President has said FEMA Director Mike Brown is doing "a heck of a job" on disaster relief, yet calls for his ouster seem enormously widespread. Does the President still think Brown is doing "a heck of a job?" And I have one follow-up.

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Do you see anyone talking about impeachment, Rove, or the Iraq WMD?

    That's a heck of a job.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Heck of a job, Monkey One!

    You're too kind.


    About a week ago, you told us President Bush had directed the Attorney General and, I believe, Federal Trade Commission, to look into allegations of insurance fraud, price-gouging at the gas pump, whatever.

    You just told us today there would be a new task force on fraud for hurricane victims. Can you give us an update? Is there any kind of a similar task force on price-gouging allegations or --

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    We really don't care. Price gouging is good to fight deflation.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    Did you see that.

    He said "whatever."

    Are you sure?

    Yes, look: "Whatever."

    No, I think it's a lady.


    It's imprecise to say, "He said whatever."

    It could have been a lady.

    OK. "Someone said, 'whatever.'"





    Cuba offered help to the United States. Are you considering taking any of this help? They offered medicines and doctors. What's the situation with that?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    Last time Cuba sent us assistance, there were Cuban intelligence officers on the boatlift.

    The last thing we need is a bunch of intelligence arriving on our shores.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]


    Are we actually hearing this?

    I think we need some orange juice.

    It's after lunch.

    With vodka.



    My name is Monkey, Monkey One.


    Scott, there are a couple of issues that are developing that are of concern to journalists now in Louisiana and Mississippi.

    One of them is FEMA refusing to take reporters and photographers when they're going to recover the bodies, ostensibly because they don't want pictures of them on the news.

    But this also is at the same time as reporters are discovering that access is being barred to them to places by the military -- to places where they previously went. Brian Williams' own blog reports an instance of a police officer turning a gun on a reporter.

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    This isn't Baghdad. That's a problem with having too much freedom.

    People find the truth.

    Repeat after me: "Truth is bad, very bad."

    We're hostile to journalists in Baghdad, but don't do anything about it. Why should we do anything now?

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    This is getting really boring.

    As if the reporters want us to start doing what we don't do.

    Not on our agenda.

    Not on that list.

    We don't shop there.


    Yes, sir. I'm out of Pine Cove, Georgia, and the question I have is, the troops that are down there right now -- you've got thousands of soldiers -- is that going to affect rotations in Iraq, as far as the White House knows?

    McClellan Fantasy Answer [Made up]

    What rotations? (Laughter)

    Thank you.

    Basement chatter intercepts [Made up]

    How are the polls doing?

    No change.

    We still suck.

    See you tomorrow.

    END 1:30 P.M. EDT