Constant's pations

If it's more than 30 minutes old, it's not news. It's a blog.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Mirror Choice


My comments. [Original comments]


I look at people in terms of their ability to simply do what they say. Their logic.

The smallest thing can say alot. My experience: The trick is to notice the larger pattern.

I read, "what I look like and claims that I am using the "race card" for something. I'm not sure what it is, but it seems to put a lot of fear into some people. " ... and wondered, what "it" referrs to [from "it seems to"]; as in "what is 'it' that we are referring to: Your ~appreance~ or "your ~reaction~ to them using the race card comment."

This I am not clear on: Who is really fearful: Them, or is someone fearful of "~your~ reaction to their reaction"?

Fear can be good. Are you afraid of using that fear to your advantage; so that you can surprise someone with your contrast; so that you might actually "reveal to them if they dare notice" that you are a nice person despite their assumption?

However, we need not spend our time and energy "worrying whether others undestand us" for it is not our job to train them; but their job to choose to understand; if they desire to be fearful, that is ~their~ choice.

How we ~react~ to ~their choice~ is a different matter.

[It seems no matter where I go, what I write about, or what I'm interviewed about I get someone that sees what I look like and claims that I am using the "race card" for something. I'm not sure what it is, but it seems to put a lot of fear into some people.]

Maybe the issue isn't "race"--maybe the issue is "~your~ reaction"? [Just so I'm clear, race should not be a big issue.]

I agree: [Fairness and justice should be.]

It is a novel concept to ask that we be treated equally; however, in my book when someone shows grace, care, and takes the time to understand [even if they disagree violently] that will win points. They lose many points when they demonstrate insecurity by treating people with disrespect on the false notion that "they are better than those they disrespect." Some people need to be reminded which way the money flows; who the client is.

I treat people differently according to "how I am reading them" in terms of their body language, speed of motion, eye contact, the consistency between their ctions-words-and-requirements. The arrogant invite deception; invite false respect; invite scorn; and also contempt; and ultimately destruction when their arrogance moves without bounds, norms, professional responsibilities, or the standrads of conduct they parade before the world as "why they deserve to command high fees," but then actually fall well below that standards. They should be paid on the basis of their contribution, not their inflated sense of what JD, PhD, rank or prefessional designation means.

There is great benefit in letting the fiercest wolves believe you are a dead mouse. They have their professional standards to which they command high fees; those should be followed; and the "client" should not have to remind 'the expert' of the basis to which they derive their "value." Nor should the public be required to remind a professional association what teh constitution is; or that 3 year hence, it might be nice if the ABA awakens from its coma. Oh, but why expect the arrogant speak for the constitution when that battle was raged so long ago that the fools who ride upon its crest have long forgotten what it truly means to fight that battle when it truly matters.

If someone "is in a position of authority" are they so insecure withthemselves that that must "step upon those they see as being different; for this is not how we would treat the disabled, or the physically handicapped. We treat them with reverence; and this is how we might come to be more centered in our own confidence when we treat "those who are fearful" as being equally deservign of grace, respect, and understanding -- for they know not what they are doing, and should be treated with the same respect that we might afford to an injured or sick animal or bird we find struggling in a meadow's grass. [No matter what your skin color is, being treated equally should be of primary concern to all of us.]

Although society at large tends to generalize and have historical pattersn, we can choose in our own moment to show grace and care for those who are not able to understand that history is not a ball and chain; nor is "how others have done things" necessarily any relevance to how we choose to simply notice the sparkling robin's eye as it blinks, enjoying the fall morning's meadow. [It just so happens, that the inequitable treatment in the US has historically been drawn along racial lines. In other countries people are persecuted primarily because of their religion, their sex, or their nationality. Here, it's skin color.]

We owe it to ourselves, in the moment, to be respectful for those who are not able to understand there is an option. Give them their space, their time; it is not our role to "make them understand" ...rather, it is our role to choose to understand them, and accept them.... knowing full well, that "understanding and acceptance" is not the same as agreement.

Learn to let go of that which is outside your control: Other's perspectives, others reactions. They are of no concern of yours -- rather, let your own example simply speak to only one audience, yourself. If others do not understand, that is simply evidence that they need to be treated with greater respect and reverence as we might graciously peer into a sick animal's eye.

We all live in the world we choose to create by our own choices. Sometimes, we benefit by deliberately being that which is most provoking, so that we might work through our own issue of "what are we willing to fight for" and "whether this is enough energy."

Sometimes "the thing that we are reacting to" isn't really the issue -- but it is a feeling that "someone out there" is forcing us to choose, when it is in fact, our own choice, our own focus, our own attitude that is the only choice we have.

Notice the times when music is irritating; and also notice the time when we can be near a screaming child and be unaffected. We ebb and flow in our reaction based on "what we are wrestling with inside." There are times when we must swiftly move; when the "expert" is falling down, and our rights are in jeapordy. At that moment, the "follower" must recognize that the "leader" is no longer in command; and the "follower" must take the reigns and command with a swift and mighty kick. To be reminded why they are paid; who they work for; and that there are other options besides the current ridiculousness.

Perhaps this is a time to understand what advantage you may desire to benefit from by having people fearful of you -- perhaps "their reaction" gives you information that you might otherwise not know. Their arrogance is really about their princiles that have slipped from their heart, and are merely words so often parrotted that they mumble them even when they think they are silent. They know not what it means to strike the iron and fight for a principle without regard for personal consequences. They fight only in name, but are unwilling to go all the way. Our task is to test them before choosing to start that first step, before we do in fact, decide to go all the way. The rewards will be great; the time to know is before starting. Then success is inevitable.

Perhaps there is a benefit: You have the needed disatance. Perhaps you are coming to realize that there are other options, yet you may not wish to change "for the right reason"; rather, you may wish to simple continue after you more fully understand "what this reaction is" and "what the larger signficance is" about. To understand what they value, or do not value.

[If bringing up an issue that's been a problem with the US since its inception seems frustrating or scary enough to get mad about when someone brings it up, then welcome to my world.]

Sometimes people say things because "this is how they view" the result, not knowing the rest of teh story, unaware of their abilities, and they have no knowledge of what is possible. They simply take the situation and say, "This is how I would handle it; but it is not handled that way." Perhaps "the difference" isn't ~their~ attribution of race; but ~our~ assumption about their assumption.

[It seems to me that those people that make accusations of bringing up "the race card" are themselves very adept at handling it.]

If people were "truly adept at handling it" they wouldn't bring it up -- for they would know that there is greater power in not stating, not commiting, and not revealing that which need not be revealed.

Is "accusing others of brigin up the race card" a problem; or is "talking about matters that others are struggling with" the real issue?

Good or Bad. Perhaps the question isn't whether it is "good or bad" but whether any decision has to be made, or whether we choose to simply allow ourselves the enjoyment of letting a young fawn in the meadow take its first steps. It will rise to be a large buck one day, yet in this moment it only knows it wants to rise.

Enjoy the moment. Life will grow, and become that which it will become. Our only decision is our focus.

It is neither good nor bad. It just is. [Is that a good or bad thing? You decide.]

.... [Ah, the race card. I think we got into some good discussion on the race issue in our interviews, Mo.]

Fear has sometimes been said to be "false evidence appearing real." [I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the word 'fear', because that's really what the whole thing revolves around.]

But what are we fearful of? Of letting someone ~else~ struggle with their imperfection, lack of knowledge, or limited view; what advantage do we gain by judging that which knows no better; for if we truly wanted to inspire, we might simply say, "They are who they are; we can only graciously respect that. No more or less."

Their choices are about them; just as ~our~ judgements are about ~us~.

Honesty can be dangerous. It is rare. It cannot be presumed to be anything; yet most assume "there is an agenda". That is why it can be both a threat, and an easy target.

[I think the whole idealism of 'political correctness' had good values at its heart, but like everything else, it has twisted and mutated into a raving monster of fear.]

We can choose. Anger can be useful; for it is energy to do what must be done, to assert when we are not used to doing so. To aslo learn to breath slowly, when we want to scream and run. [ It doesn't take long for that raving monster of fear to turn into anger.]

Choices mean taking time. To teach ourselves to be equipped. To practice. To become euipped. To learn to master that which we sometimes know so little: Our own reaction, choice, or focus.

We sometimes choose rage, or it is a quantum leap from thinking. Never pass up the opportuntiy to understand how quicly one man, or a nation will launch to war and rage; for their speed says much, not just about their choices, but also about their fear, the inability to choose logic, their desire to avoid reality, their inclination to avoid that whic is not convenient, and their commitment to something that is at odds with the principles they preach.

[We seem ill-equipped as humans to deal with fear on any healthy level, so we turn it into rage and hate.]

If rage and hate were easy to handle, then we have yet to explain the difficulty with self-hate and self-loathing. Hate hides fear; fear hides fear and insecurity; and insecurity hides our inner reality that awaits teh time to bloom. Anger is not bad; for focused, it can be the energy, catalyst to inspire growth -- before a flower can bloom, a seed must crack. How we interpret the signfigance of that rage and anger is just as imporant as the catalyst and the mirror it provides to ourselves.[Rage and hate are easy to handle, because those things don't show themselves for what they truly are.]

Anger can be good if used for good, self growth, a catalyst to focus, a desire to simply change what has not worked. [Generally, people are fooled into believing that anger is a valiant emotion--and indeed it can be, only in the case of fear turned anger, it is vile and loathsome.]

Fear can be good as an alarm, a warning, a sign. However "others fear" need not be the catalyst for our frustration -- if they do not understand, it is not our job to make them understand. It is our job if that is what we choose to take on; we need not take that responsibility if that is what we choose not to do. [Somehow we got the idea fear was weak. We've mistaken it for something weak when, in effect, its essence is a core emotion that can alert us of all sorts of good things (and dangers).]

We may be alert to someone's misconception -- but is that a problem? Not if we know the truth, and "their lack of knowledge of the truth" is simply that -- lack of what we might have. Whether we choose to share, teach, or let be...that is the choice. [Like alerting us of our misconceptions of people or things, situations--whatever.]

Some are unaware that their small actions are being observed; that reasonable assumtions about their "ability to handle larger issues" are being tested in the moment. That "they're being a jerk" is simply them doing what we do not expect.

Yet, if we look at it -- given the chance, and no consequences ... peole will do what they can get away with. They sometimes have to be taught there are consequences. Choose your timing. Let them take the bait; let them reveal their true nature; and you will understand. [Then again, some people are just asshats. ]

Selfknowledge often eludes us. It is simply listening. [We fear what we don't know.]

Knowledge of others comes faster when we know ourselves, our choices, and what we value. [And we clearly do not know one another.]

If we listned to ourselves, we would know many others. [As ethnic groups, religious groups, classes, political parties--we just don't know each other at all.]

Sometimes "what we assume about others" isn't necessarily true; but then again, it someimes is. Maybe we have some self-listening during a time of growth, a pause, and a point to simply choose to "continue doing" that which we originally chose to do; to continue with even less regard for the distractions. Toddlers will fall down, but they get back up; and during growth, they may revert to a previous stage. This ensures the boundaries are there, tests them, and ensures the ground is sturdy before they get up again and attempt to move more quickly.

We sometimes see in others that which is "our issue" ... maybe a mirror is here; then again, perhaps the mirror is translucent, and the window to another mirror is less foggy. [Whoever would be foolish enough to believe you play the 'race card' clearly hasn't the first inkling into who you are.]

Others lables are about ~them~; if we "derive our value" from others' reaction, we set ourselves up. For "their reaction" [if it changes] would then "make us different. That is a trap.

We are more valuable to ourselves when we move in a manner that moves without regard "to their reaction." We choose our own limits; and yes, there are consequences for violating boundaries.

This is a time for foundations. For asserting new confidence. To know that our own choices are working. And that we can continue, regardless "their reaction."

[They're not looking at your work.]

They may not be looking, only venting. They may not be seeing, only fighting a mirror[They're not looking at you.]

Time is respect. And we can also choose to dishonor that which deserves no respect--that which has manipulated, abused, and intruded. We learn, "never again," and sometimes are reminded of "another opportunty" to take responsibility for that which only we can control: Our focus.

[I don't really "know" you, other than on the strange, surreal level that this internet provides. We've interviewed, emailed and whatnot, and as for that much, what little I do know of you has amounted to a good deal of respect for you.]

When we can look upon others with reverence as we might afford a struggling toddler, we will know more about ourselves. They may never know--and that is their choice; we cannot make them choose or be or know that which is beyond what they currently comprehend. Let our example speak for itself; and let our choices be what we are willing to be proud of. Others may view it differently; indeed, there are 6.2Billion people with other views. [In their ignorance they show that they do not know you. And what a shame for them.]

Yes, I have another view. [It seems that we're in agreement. I'm sure that eventually someone will come across this post and have a strongly differing opinion though. It'll be fun to watch for.]

When we learn to let others [as they are] ~be~ as they are, we will have more time to develop ourselves as ~we~ desire for ~ourselves~.

There are times to pause, to know when our "allies" are actually the most dangerous of foes.

They shall fall when it is to our convenience. Make it so.